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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children paid work? v.1

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children paid work? v. 1
Our world is so diverse; even more than you might think. There are so many different cultures with different customs and traditions that it is almost impossible to get to know every one of them. Human beings are destined to contribute to their uniqueness and independence. As far as I'm concerned, it is rightly being a member of your culture that sustains your wellbeing and balance. That's why I think it is hugely important not only to be familiar with your own culture, which you are fond of, but also to acquaint yourself with other cultures. But how can we ensure the reliability of the information which we come across during this process? Which learning methods should we use? First of all, taking a course about the culture in order to enrich yourself seems to be a very good option, but will it fulfil the main aspect which is to become more knowledgeable? Provided that, you are taught by a teacher which has the skill to make the learning process more enjoyable. On the other hand, this method could be ineffective when it comes to the practical approach. It is very unlikely that if you touch or see something alive you will forget it and that's exactly what this course cannot deliver. Secondly, having visited the country which has the specific culture would be more desirable and could bring amazing achievements in terms of the knowledge, but it can be time-consuming and very costly. To sum up, none of these options outweigh the other. It mainly depends on the personality. From my point of view, every person should be able to determine which way of familiarizing with the culture would bring them the highest results.
Our world is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
diverse; even more than you might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
customs and traditions that it is almost impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know every one of them. Human beings
are destined
to contribute to their uniqueness and independence. As far as I'm concerned, it is
rightly
being a member of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
that sustains your
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
and balance. That's why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
hugely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to be familiar with your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, which you are fond of,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to acquaint yourself with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
how can we ensure the reliability of the information which we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across during this process? Which learning methods should we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
?

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, taking a course about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
in order to enrich yourself seems to be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
option,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will it fulfil the main aspect which is to become more knowledgeable? Provided that, you
are taught
by a teacher which has the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the learning process more enjoyable.
On the other hand
, this method could be ineffective when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the practical approach. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unlikely that if you touch or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
something alive you will forget it and that's exactly what this course cannot deliver.

Secondly
, having visited the country which has the specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
would be more desirable and could bring amazing achievements in terms of the knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be time-consuming and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly.

To sum up, none of these options outweigh the other. It
mainly
depends on the personality. From my point of view, every person should be able to determine which way of familiarizing with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
would bring them the highest results.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children paid work? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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