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24. In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v.1

24. In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 1
It is a fact that selecting a right career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they graduate from high school. Some youngsters  prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience before entering universities; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education right after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the youth. The essay will discuss these two options separately. To begin with, firstly,   Spending time travelling or working will provide opportunities for high school graduates understand themselves better. The majority of  them may have limited knowledge about working industries or lack of self-awareness; therefore, it may be  a challenge for them to select a proper major that they are interested. For example, one-year travelling and working experiences will expand their horizontal knowledge and learn more about themselves. Moreover,   they also earn some money for their tuition as well.   As a result, the youth may mature enough to select their careers to pursue. However, some new graduates prefer to attend universities right after high school. Firstly, they believe that travelling and working will waste their precious time. In addition, travelling will increase the risks for the youth to develop negative habits, such as smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and so on. Finally, working in labour jobs will not benefit their personal developments and sometimes, some of them may never go back to colleges again.  Directly pursuing university education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic study. In conclusion, taking some time off to travel or working in such an important life stage is crucial for the youth due to the above reasons. Therefore, I personally believe that they should make the decision after consulting their parents or mentors. However, pursuing advanced academic educations in universities play a significant role in students' future life.
It is a fact that selecting a right career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they graduate from high school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
youngsters
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education right after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
. The essay will discuss these two options 
separately
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
firstly
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
Spending time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
will provide opportunities for high school graduates understand themselves better. The majority of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
them may have limited knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
industries or lack of self-awareness;
therefore
, it may be
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
a challenge for them to select a proper major that they
are interested
.
For example
, one-year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
experiences will expand their horizontal knowledge and learn more about themselves.
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
they
also
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money for their tuition
as well
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
may mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to select their careers to pursue.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new graduates prefer to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
right after high school.
Firstly
, they believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and working will waste their precious time.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
will increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
to develop 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits, such as smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
jobs will not benefit their personal developments and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may never go back to colleges again.  
Directly
pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic study.

In conclusion
, taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time off to travel or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in such an 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
life stage is crucial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
due to the above reasons.
Therefore
, I
personally
believe that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the decision after consulting their parents or mentors.
However
, pursuing advanced academic educations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
play a significant role in students' future life.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 24. In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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