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Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v.7

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v. 7
While some believe that the modernisation has made us more reliant on each other, others, however, think that we are more self-reliant and free from dependency on others as the time has progressed. I believe that we have become more independent than any time in the history. People who advocate that we have become more dependent on each other in this modern era often present the idea that our necessity has increased and we need to interact with far more people due to this. This in a way requires us to rely on others for our need. For instance, office executives mostly rely on laundry services, restaurants, house maids, cleaning services and so on to have their necessary works done. In the past, people used to do most of these tasks on their own. Moreover, the prices of education, house, daily commodities etc. is skyrocketing day by day and we need to rely on our parents to have those needs fulfilled until we get a job. When we will become earning members, our parents and children will rely on us. Due to people’s busy schedule and high ambition, they need to socialise and get to know people from different walks of life and this creates a wider circle in which people’s interaction and reliance on each other increase. However, I would agree with the people who opine that modernization has made us free and less reliant on others. In most countries, young children are trying to support their education and living cost. After a certain age, they prefer to stay own his own house. The number of nuclear and single parent family proves that people are less reliant on others. We are free to pick the school, travel to other countries and make our choices for most of the major events in our life including picking our life partners. The progress of the technology has made us more self-reliant and we love to take advantages of the modern tools and devices to make things of our own. For instance, many people these days pick an online lesson than getting admitted to a training institute. Many of us even have the freedom to work from home and this is a paradigm shift in the way we earn our living. Finally, the gender equality and women empowerment movements have greatly made the women free from others reliance and self-dependent and this has all been possible only recently. In conclusion, though some people think that modern era is the time when we are more reliant on each other, I personally believe that we are more free and self-reliant instead.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
has made us more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reliant
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, others,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we are more self-reliant and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
from dependency on others as the time has progressed. I believe that we have become more independent than any time in the history.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who advocate that we have become more dependent on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in this modern era
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
present the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that our necessity has
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
increased and
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to interact with far more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to this. This in a way requires us to rely on others for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
For instance
, office executives
mostly
rely on laundry services, restaurants,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
maids, cleaning services and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on to have their necessary works done. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do most of these tasks on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Moreover
, the prices of education,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, daily commodities etc. is skyrocketing day by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to rely on our parents to have those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
fulfilled until we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job. When we will become earning members, our parents and children will rely on us. Due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
busy schedule and high ambition, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
walks of life and this creates a wider circle in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
interaction and reliance on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
increase.

However
, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who opine that
Do not mix variants of the same word ('modernization' and 'modernisation') within a single text.
modernization
has made us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reliant
on others. In most countries, young children are trying to support their education and living cost. After a certain age, they prefer to stay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. The number of nuclear and single parent family proves that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reliant
on others. We are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
to pick the school, travel to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our choices for most of the major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in our life including picking our life partners. The progress of the technology has made us more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
self-reliant and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to take advantages of the modern tools and devices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
things of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days pick an online lesson than getting admitted to a training institute.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of us even have the freedom to work from home and this is a paradigm shift in the way we earn our living.
Finally
, the gender equality and women empowerment movements have
greatly
made the women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
from others reliance and self-dependent and this has all been possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
recently.

In conclusion
, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that modern era is the time when we are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reliant
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, I
personally
believe that we are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
and self-reliant
instead
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
436 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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