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According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v.3

According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 3
Nowadays, people are living in modern society and every person tries to have his or her own place among others by developing different relationships with others and relying on them.   So many argue that people are becoming dependent on their relations, however, this is refuted by others. And this essay will discuss both sides of this issue. Historically, having intelligence was humankind's one strong side. The second one was solving common problems by joining hands. This practice still remains among people and they are dependent on each other as they were in the past. This can be seen in the examples below: Firstly life is becoming more difficult, and we are less self-sufficient. Young people rely on parents for funding their studies in higher schools or to begin their own business. Secondly, jobs are much more specialised, and we need to work in teams.   Thus, people becoming more dependent on each other than they were before. On the other hand, some people argue that they are more self-dependent than ever before for certain reasons. This can be explained with developing modern technologies. People are using several machines when they have some difficulties instead of calling neighbours or friends for help. Additionally, the Internet is providing us with a great amount of information, with access to these sources people are studying and learning new things without any help from others. Most importantly, the way of life in the megalopolises is the main factor, which encourages people to live individually and have nuclear families. Therefore people tend to be more autonomous in modern lifestyle. In conclusion, I believe that we are more independent than ever before, but even if it is a demand of time, I think we need to stay dependent on each other.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in modern society and every person tries to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
place among others by developing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
relationships with others and relying on them.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on their relations,
however
, this
is refuted
by others. And this essay will discuss both sides of this issue.

Historically
, having intelligence was humankind's one strong side. The second one was solving common problems by joining hands. This practice
still
remains among
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
as they were in the past. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the examples below:
Firstly
life is becoming more difficult, and we are less self-sufficient. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rely on parents for funding their studies in higher schools or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business.
Secondly
, jobs are much more
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
, and we need to work in teams.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becoming more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that they are more self-dependent than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
for certain reasons. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
with developing modern technologies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are using several machines when they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties
instead
of calling
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
or friends for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
Additionally
, the Internet is providing us with a great amount of information, with access to these sources
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are studying and learning new things without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from others. Most
importantly
, the way of life in the megalopolises is the main factor, which encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
individually
and have nuclear families.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to be more autonomous in modern lifestyle.

In conclusion
, I believe that we are more independent than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
even if it is a demand of time, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we need to stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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