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According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v.1

According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 1
The success of a society depends on how well its members are connected and befit each other. Human has developed modern sophisticated social forms by making sure that each member adds values to the society and hence remains important to the society. Some say that this dependency is reducing day by day, while others argue that we are becoming more intermingled with each other at a far broader level and hence one can not survive without the help of others. This essay will discuss both views before coming to a reasoned conclusion. One the one hand, protagonists say that the trend of reducing dependency can be easily seen in the way older generations have been living in recent times. Nowadays, people in 80s are living alone without support from their family members. Even the family size is becoming smaller day by day. Combines family, where uncles and aunts used to live together, is no more in fashion. Therefore, it is argued that people prefer independence these days. However, on the other hand, some people say that while the obvious view of 'dependency' is less visible nowadays but in reality people have become much more dependent on others. For example, one can not figure out that from which farm a packet of milk has come from or which farmer has produced the fruit. So one might not be able to establish a clear link of his dependency on someone who is producing stuff for them, Therefore it can be seen that though dependency is not visible clearly we still need others to survive in today's world. With above view in mind, I am more inclined to believe the interdependency is society has increased with time. However, it may not be as visible as it used to be in old times. The only thing which has changed is that the past is -  in the past, we knew who can help us but now we know where to go if we need a certain type of help.
The success of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
depends on how well its members
are connected
and befit each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Human has developed modern sophisticated social forms by making sure that each member
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
values to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
hence
remains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say that this dependency is reducing day by day, while others argue that we are becoming more intermingled with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
at a far broader level and
hence
one can not survive without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of others. This essay will discuss both views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, protagonists say that the trend of reducing dependency can be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the way older generations have been living in recent times. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 80s are living alone without support from their family members. Even the family size is becoming smaller day by day. Combines family, where uncles and aunts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together, is no more in fashion.
Therefore
, it
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer independence these days.

However
, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that while the obvious view of 'dependency' is less visible nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become much more dependent on others.
For example
, one can not figure out that from which farm a packet of milk has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from or which farmer has produced the fruit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
one might not be able to establish a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
link of his dependency on someone who is producing stuff for them,
Therefore
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that though dependency is not visible
clearly
we
still
need others to survive in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world.

With above view in mind, I am more inclined to believe the interdependency is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has increased with time.
However
, it may not be as visible as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
times. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
is that the past is
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
in the past, we knew who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
we know where to go if we need a certain type of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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