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Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v.9

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v. 9
The world is considered to change a lot day by day. People around the world become more educated than previous days and they are learning how to live on their own to avoid dependency on others. Firstly, while considering the older generation, they were not educated people on an average, mostly they did not know how to read and write. They needed to take help from others to write letters, legal documents and read letters, newspapers, documents etc. Secondly, older people believed that children should take care of them while they become old. And children also took responsibility to look after old people. So parents were more dependent on children. Thirdly, parents used to pampered children in older generation, for example, mother took care of homes as father worked outside to bring up family financially, so children were more dependent until they graduated from university, even children did not think about doing a part-time job to earn money, since the father took care of financial matters. On the other hand looking into the modern world or generation, almost all of the people are educated and they do not depend on others to write or read. Older people in the modern world are not dependent on their children. They are planning what to do after their retirement to avoid dependency on their children. However, they are considering going to a nursing home if they are not well. Parents in the modern world are teaching the children from childhood onwards how to take care of themselves since both parents working as full-timers so that children can learn how to live on their won. Most of the children from 15 years onwards are doing part-time jobs to earn and support their expenses. To sum up, in my point of view, in modern world people are not at all dependent on each other; everybody knows how to live on their own.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is considered
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of day"?
a lot day
by day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
become more educated than previous
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
days and
they are learning how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
to avoid dependency on others.

Firstly
, while considering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation, they were not educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on an average,
mostly
they did not know how to read and write. They needed to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from others to write letters, legal documents and read letters, newspapers, documents etc.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them while they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
took responsibility to look after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to pampered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation,
for example
, mother took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of homes as father worked outside to bring up family
financially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
until they graduated from university, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about doing a part-time job to earn money, since the father took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of financial matters.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand looking into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
or generation, almost
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
educated and
they do not depend on others to write or read.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They are planning what to do after their retirement to avoid dependency on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, they are considering going to a nursing home if they are not well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
are teaching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from childhood onwards how to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of themselves since both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
working as full-timers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their won. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from 15 years onwards are doing part-time jobs to earn and support their expenses.

To sum up, in my point of view, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dependent
on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
; everybody knows how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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