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According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v.2

According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 2
The often debated topic nowadays is whether the people should live an independent life or the dependency on other. In my opinion, people should have the capability to lead a life in both the way such that to have a successful life, which I will discuss in the following paragraph. Firstly, the people should be able to manage any kind of situation with their own knowledge and capability without getting frightened or depressed. Every individual must have a will power to fight against a problem without seeking a help for others. When one develops such ability, he can face any challenges of his life; for example, when people are out from their hometown.   We can’t seek help from our parents all time. Parents cannot guide in every step of your life so it’s important to make your own way in handling a situation. On the other side, it’s not good to be an independent throughout the life. When you are introduced into a company you need to depend on others to get guidelines and support which make your work successful. For example, when you are given a task of developing software you need to work as a team to meet all necessity and finish up by the given schedule. Not only in a working area but also when you are old enough you are unable to do work of your own and it’s necessary to depend on others. As per my view leading a dependent and independent life depends on the situation.   Hence it would be better to introduce yourself to both.
The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debated topic nowadays is whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
or the dependency on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the capability to lead a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in both the way such that to have a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which I will discuss in the following paragraph.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be able to manage any kind of situation with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
knowledge and capability without getting frightened or depressed. Every individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a will power to fight against a problem without seeking a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for others. When one develops such ability, he can face any challenges of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
;
for example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are out from their hometown.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
We can’t seek
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from our parents all time. Parents cannot guide in every step of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way in handling a situation.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side, it’s not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to be an independent throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. When you
are introduced
into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
you need to depend on others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
guidelines and support which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your work successful.
For example
, when you are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a task of developing software you need to work as a team to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
all necessity and finish up by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
schedule. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in a working area
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
when you are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
you are unable to do work of your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and it’s necessary to depend on others.

As per my view leading a dependent and independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
depends on the situation.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it would be better to introduce yourself to both.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay According to some people, we have become more independent in the modern world while others oppose this view and say that we have become more dependent on each other. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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