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Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. v. 2
In these days, while urgent health-related problems, according to some, is attributed to the pollution of our planet’s atmosphere and the issues of housing, I agree up to this point that the governments have to take the full responsibility to mitigate this overwhelming obstacle. It is initially true that the unprecedented number of people are suffering from environmental catastrophe and housing scarcity. In this way, in order to save the valuable life of innocent people who lack homes and are facing such serious illnesses as cancer, radiation, skin lesions and others, the governments are obliged to vanish the factors leading to the emergence of this problem – the toxic gases emitted from the transport system (mainly cars) and high costs of accommodation which are not affordable for the impoverished class of the population. The initial step would be the forced decline in the number of cars by which people are commuting, and following this, the provision of free accommodation for homeless people is a plausible alternative to avert the vast trend of illnesses. Thus, the governments have a key role in altering the process the aforementioned problems emerge. Another point to consider, persuading people to realize the environmental and housing problems is not ethereal. First, each government ought to supply its citizens with an adequate source of knowledge so that they would not only get rid of their peccadilloes like wasting, throwing rubbish – all of these factors leading to the environmental issues, but also assist other impoverished members of society, and this paves the way for the heyday in every country. Therefore, the question is not just about avoiding problems, but is the realization of the whole Earth’s population to diminish their adverse impact on their surroundings. In conclusion, the more people recognize the threat of polluting sources and accommodation problems, the more thriving our planet will be.
In these days, while urgent health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
is attributed
to the pollution of our planet’s atmosphere and the issues of housing, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
up to this point that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take the full responsibility to mitigate this overwhelming obstacle.

It is
initially
true that the unprecedented number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from environmental catastrophe and housing scarcity. In this way, in order to save the valuable life of innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who lack homes and are facing such serious illnesses as cancer, radiation, skin lesions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are obliged
to vanish the factors leading to the emergence of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
the toxic gases emitted from the transport system (
mainly
cars) and high costs of accommodation which are not affordable for the impoverished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of the population. The initial step would be the forced decline in the number of cars by which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are commuting, and following this, the provision of free accommodation for homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a plausible alternative to avert the vast trend of illnesses.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have a key role in altering the process the aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
emerge.

Another point to consider, persuading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to realize the environmental and housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is not ethereal.
First
, each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
ought to supply its citizens with an adequate source of knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of their peccadilloes like wasting, throwing rubbish
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
all of these factors leading to the environmental issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
assist other impoverished members of society, and this paves the way for the heyday in every country.
Therefore
, the question is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is the realization of the whole Earth’s population to diminish their adverse impact on their surroundings.

In conclusion
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
recognize the threat of polluting sources and accommodation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, the more thriving our planet will be.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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