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Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease v. 1
Working part-time is gradually increasing each day. Students struggle in their free time to earn money, but this impacts the student's career. The number of young people who sacrifice education for work is growing.  This essay will discuss the problems and solutions to this issue. First and foremost, many students prefer to make any money in free day. Mostly resulting in the downfall interest towards study, this is raised because of money background many students come from a lower-middle-class background to study abroad. They will make out with the help of loans and scholarships. For instance, anxious going for higher studies abroad depend on their hard-work parents could not offer them all the times. This induces the present in them to pay University-fee in their living expenses. Finally, they could not make it there the studies get downfall in written. This makes the student's career down. Several ways they could adopt to avoid their down-trend possible solutions for the problem. Firstly, they could acquire scholarship other by merit percentage or by a written test. Secondly, rather than working in any places such as gas stations, grocery stores. They could opt libraries and workshops to work as a lab assistant after their study day or in their free space they could go with dual studies which is mixed with internship. MNC's paying in return for their work can be helpful to the students to cover their living expenses with legible pay, may this makes the scholar peaceful and also to concentrate on studies. Finally, I believe that every pupil has to effort for the stipend to get along with the daily expenditure they could overcome the problem of managing space which creates pressure minimizes by choosing a correct or accurate solution.
Working part-time is
gradually
increasing each day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
struggle in their free time to earn money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
 this impacts the student's career. The number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who sacrifice education for work is growing.  This essay will discuss the problems and solutions to this issue.

First
 and foremost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
any money in free day.
Mostly
resulting in the downfall interest towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, this 
is raised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of money background
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from a lower-middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
background to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
abroad. They will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
out with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of loans and scholarships.
For instance
, anxious going for higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
abroad depend on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-work parents could not offer them all the times. This induces the present in them to pay University-fee in their living expenses.
Finally
, they could not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
it there the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
downfall in written. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the student's career down.

Several ways they could
Did you mean "adapt to"?
adopt to
avoid their down-trend possible solutions for the problem.
Firstly
, they could acquire scholarship other by merit percentage or by a written
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
.
Secondly
,
rather
than working in any places such as gas stations, grocery stores. They could opt libraries and workshops to work as a lab assistant after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
day or in their free space they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
dual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
which
is mixed
with internship.
Possible spelling mistake found.
MNC
's paying in return for their work can be helpful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to cover their living expenses with legible pay, may this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the scholar peaceful and
also
 to concentrate on studies.

Finally
, I believe that every pupil
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
effort for the stipend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along with the daily expenditure they could overcome the problem of managing space which creates pressure minimizes by choosing a correct or accurate solution.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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