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Some people believe that students should take a gap year after finishing school and work or travel during this period. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that students should take a gap year after finishing school and work or travel during this period. v. 1
These days, an increasing number of students tend to spend a sabbatical year after high school travelling or working rather than attending higher education. Personally, I strongly believe that they should take a gap year as it is beneficial for their employment prospects. First of all, students can spend a gap year working to raise awareness of themselves. By trying different jobs, they will understand more about their interest and ability, thereby standing a good chance of finding their career passion. Furthermore, thanks to the comprehension of their strengths and weaknesses, pupils can develop themselves to fulfil the job descriptions. For instance, those whose jobs involve interpersonal skills, but lack of them can join social activities and voluntary work to cultivate these essential skills. Consequently, the profound understanding of themselves plays an integral role in better employment opportunities. Secondly, taking a year off for travelling will undeniably enable students to broaden their horizons. Visiting different countries offers them an insight into not only cultures but languages as well. This knowledge will provide them with an advantage in the internationally oriented economy. Additionally, only by travelling can teenagers acquire practical experiences, which are unable to be gained through academic books. It is these experiences that help them get wider perspectives. These are regarded as a crucial part in problem-solving skills, which are highly necessary for job seekers. In conclusion, working and travelling for a period before attending higher education are advantageous to students since they can fully understand themselves and obtain factual knowledge as well as essential skills. My view is that the youth should be encouraged to take a gap year to enhance their employability.
These days, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to spend a sabbatical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
after high school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or working
rather
than attending higher education.
Personally
, I
strongly
believe that they should take a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
as it is beneficial for their employment prospects.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can spend a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
working to raise awareness of themselves. By trying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they will understand more about their interest and ability, thereby standing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance of finding their career passion.
Furthermore
, thanks to the comprehension of their strengths and weaknesses, pupils can develop themselves to fulfil the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
descriptions.
For instance
, those whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
involve interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
lack of them can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
social activities and voluntary work to cultivate these essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Consequently
, the profound understanding of themselves plays an integral role in better employment opportunities.

Secondly
, taking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
off for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
will
undeniably
enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to broaden their horizons. Visiting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries offers them an insight into not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
languages
as well
. This knowledge will provide them with an advantage in the
internationally
oriented economy.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
acquire practical experiences, which are unable to
be gained
through academic books. It is these experiences that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wider perspectives. These
are regarded
as a crucial part in problem-solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, which are
highly
necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seekers.

In conclusion
, working and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
for a period
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
attending higher education are advantageous to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
since they can
fully
understand themselves and obtain factual knowledge
as well
as essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. My view is that the youth should
be encouraged
to take a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
to enhance their employability.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that students should take a gap year after finishing school and work or travel during this period. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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