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Some people think that having people from different nationalities and cultural background living together in the same country makes the country develop faster. Do you agree? v.2

Some people think that having people from different nationalities and cultural background living together in the same country makes the country develop faster. Do you agree? v. 2
Having a multi ethnic community in a country is considered as a key factor which affects the success of a country. However, I strongly disagree with this statement as there are plenty of examples in the world where the existence of multi-cultural people has become a hindrance towards the prosperity of a country. Firstly, due to the political and religious influences, people of different races tend to be separate from each other and fight for their rights and these arguments may lead the countries into civil wars. For example, Sri Lanka faced a dreadful war for more than thirty years with a Tamil terrorist group. The terrorist group demanded a separate land from Sri Lanka to form a separate country for Tamil people. Although, Sri Lanka used to be the most developed country in South Asia in 1970s, the country ended up being an under developed country as a result of the war. Additionally, the separation of Pakistan from India due to the disagreement between Hindu and Muslim people also can be considered as a significant instance where India was the most powerful country in Asia. Secondly, even though, the relationships between countries may have better impacts towards the development of countries, there is no notable contribution from the people of country as separate cultural groups. Ethnical differences promote the culture of a country but do not support the commercial development of a country. In conclusion, I believe that a country will be prosperous only if the citizens work together as one nation despite their cultural, religious differences.
Having a
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
multi ethnic
community in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is considered
as a key factor which affects the success of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, I
strongly
disagree with this statement as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of examples in the world where the existence of multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
become a hindrance towards the prosperity of a country.

Firstly
, due to the political and religious influences,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
races tend to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
separate
from each other and fight for their rights and these arguments may lead the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
into civil wars.
For example
, Sri Lanka faced a dreadful war for more than thirty years with a Tamil terrorist group. The terrorist group demanded a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
separate
land from Sri Lanka to form a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
separate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
for Tamil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although, Sri Lanka
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be the most developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in South Asia
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1970s".
in 1970s
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
ended up being an
Make sure that the adjective 'under' is correct. Possibly, it should be an adverb (typically ~ly) that modifies 'developed'. Possibly, it should be the first word in a compound adjective (hyphenated adjective). Possibly, it is correct.
under developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as a result
of the war.
Additionally
, the separation of Pakistan from India due to the disagreement between Hindu and Muslim
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
can
be considered
as a significant instance where India was the most powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in Asia.

Secondly
,
even though
, the relationships between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
may have better impacts towards the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, there is no notable contribution from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
separate
cultural groups. Ethnical differences promote the culture of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not support the commercial development of a country.

In conclusion
, I believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will be prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if the citizens work together as one nation despite their cultural, religious differences.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that having people from different nationalities and cultural background living together in the same country makes the country develop faster. Do you agree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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