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Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to receive a pension at an earlier age. v. 1
It is unfair to set a retirement age like 65 years old with ignoring to the kind of occupation that people work. I believe we have to consider that according to the type of profession, we could determine who can deserve an early retirement than other. Some professions need a physical ability to work under pressure and tension which is much more difficult on the old aged workers than on their younger colleagues, that make them under risk of injuries and health drawbacks as their bodies cannot fit or withstand all of that effort needed. For example, some workers need a good pension to support their families financially like their daughters’ marriage, therefore they need to retire earlier to take the pension earlier. Moreover, some workers have serious chronic diseases like diabetes, hypertension and other cardiovascular disorders that make them need a usual and special care at home, otherwise it will be a high risk of strokes and heart failures that make their health is under dangerous and hard to continue at work. On the other hand, some professions need the experience more than the physical workload. Such as the consultancy in a bank or any investment entity. It needs the employees to be more expert and skilful than the hard working. Resulting that the elder employees in the company are more proficient and valuable than others, which make the employers put retirement age to be older than other professions. As the company will need their knowledge and experience in the future. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly agree that some workers deserve earlier retirement according to the kind of workload and their family needs. Rather than the others who work in companies need their experience that gained all over that age, they deserve high wages and high respect.
It is unfair to set a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age like 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
with ignoring to the kind of occupation that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work. I believe we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider that according to the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
, we could determine who can deserve an early
Use "(retirement)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
retirement
than other.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a physical ability to work under pressure and tension which is much more difficult on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
than on their younger colleagues, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injuries and health drawbacks as their bodies cannot fit or withstand all of that effort needed.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
pension to support their families
financially
like their daughters’ marriage,
therefore
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to retire earlier to take the pension earlier.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
have serious chronic diseases like diabetes, hypertension and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cardiovascular disorders that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a usual and special care at home,
otherwise
it will be a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of strokes and heart failures that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their health is under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to continue at work.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
the experience more than the physical workload. Such as the consultancy in a bank or any investment entity. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
the employees to be more expert and
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
than the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
. Resulting that the elder employees in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
are more proficient and valuable than others, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the employers put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age to be older than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
. As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
their knowledge and experience in the future.

In conclusion
, I
wholeheartedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
deserve earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
according to the kind of workload and their family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Rather
than the others who work in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
their experience that gained all over that age, they deserve high wages and high respect.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to receive a pension at an earlier age. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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