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Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. v. 1
Nowadays, more tourists prefer to seek thrill and adventure when they are travelling overseas. They would like to get challenged in harsh environment to learn more about themselves and about the local culture. This essay will look at how tourist benefit from these experiences and bring new perspective to their life and how they can be detrimental to the native community. When people travel abroad, sometimes, they tend to forget that they are putting the local population in danger, especially people who are living in isolation. Since these local populations aren't vaccinated, they are susceptible to harmful pathogens they carry and are oblivious to the dangers they represent. For example, about a year a ago an American tourist tried to enter an island in the pacific ocean which is inhabited by a people who are alienated from other human species and do not prefer visitor to their island. The American could have wiped out the entire habitat of the island just by a flu virus. Other opposition is from environmentalist, who believe that these aliens could create waste and harm local animals and nature. Having an experience of a place or an event which is out of a person's comfort zone can help him develop as a confident person. Normally people who have luxury like air-conditioners and heaters do not often realize how people survive in extreme parts of the earth. A trip to remote areas such as Alaska or African desert help them to discover a side of empathy in themselves. Also, staying in harsh environment can provide them with motivation in life to accept what they have in life and to leave the greed behind. To conclude, since you are born only once, it is imperative to explore every facet the world has to offer to help them to grow their understanding about them and educate themselves about the possible harsh nature the less fortunate local people survive, but at the same time they have to be cautious of not causing any damage to the native region, living creatures or the natives.
Nowadays, more tourists prefer to seek thrill and adventure when they are travelling overseas. They would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
challenged in harsh environment to learn more about themselves and about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
culture. This essay will look at how tourist benefit from these experiences and bring new perspective to their life and how they can be detrimental to the native community.

When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel abroad,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, they tend to forget that they are putting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
population in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are living in isolation. Since these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
populations aren't vaccinated, they are susceptible to harmful pathogens they carry and are oblivious to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
they represent.
For example
, about a year
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
ago an American tourist tried to enter an island in the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
pacific ocean
which
is inhabited
by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are alienated
from other human species and do not prefer visitor to their island. The American could have wiped out the entire habitat of the island
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by a flu virus. Other opposition is from environmentalist,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that these aliens could create waste and harm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
animals and nature.

Having an experience of a place or an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
which is out of a person's comfort zone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him develop as a confident person.
Normally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have luxury like air-conditioners and heaters do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
realize how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
survive in extreme parts of the earth. A trip to remote areas such as Alaska or African desert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to discover a side of empathy in themselves.
Also
, staying in harsh environment can provide them with motivation in life to accept what they have in life and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the greed behind.

To conclude
, since you
are born
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
once, it is imperative to explore every facet the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
offer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to grow their understanding about them and educate themselves about the possible harsh nature the less fortunate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
survive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be cautious of not causing any damage to the native region, living creatures or the natives.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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