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Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v.9

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 9
Some individuals think that the common retirement age is unfair for all, as there are certain jobs in which it requires to take retirement at an earlier age and enjoy the benefits of pension. I strongly believe this view. All the reasoning is thoroughly explained in following paragraphs. Firstly, every job has distinct requirements in terms of knowledge and physical strength, so different age groups are suitable for that. There are certain jobs in which after reaching a certain age, we can't fulfil the required parameters to do the job in full potential. For example, In the army a soldier is allowed to fulfil his or her duties until he or she reaches the age of forty five years. Secondly, there are jobs in which experience is the key, which comes with working longer. In the profession like a scientist, engineer, and teachers a great precision is needed, which can only be attained by experience. In Continuation, as different occupation has different required skill, to attain those perks sometime it take age factor in consideration and sometime experience. So, It is not right to set one age parameters in retirement. The profession should be the key factor to decide when an individual should be retired. For instance, army peoples can't do heavy lifting in old age so they should get retirement in early age, where in other hands, teachers, Engineers, doctors and scientist perform better in their elderly age due to their iterative practice, so they should get extra time before retirement so they can contribute more to nation building. To conclude, It is now clear from the above arguments that the profession should play a vital role in deciding the factor of retirement as there are lots of variables which are left out if we decide this only on the basis of age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is unfair for all, as there are certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in which it requires
Did you mean "taking"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to take
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retirement
at an earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and enjoy the benefits of pension. I
strongly
believe this view. All the reasoning is
thoroughly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in following paragraphs.

Firstly
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has distinct requirements in terms of knowledge and physical strength,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups are suitable for that. There are certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in which after reaching a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, we can't fulfil the required parameters to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in full potential.
For example
, In the army a soldier is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to fulfil
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
duties until he or she reaches the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
forty five
years.
Secondly
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in which experience is the key, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with working longer. In the profession like a scientist, engineer, and teachers a great precision
is needed
, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be attained
by experience.

In Continuation, as
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different
occupation has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, to attain those perks sometime it
Did you mean "takes"?
take
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age
factor in consideration and sometime experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, It is not right to set one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
parameters in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. The profession should be the key factor to decide when an individual should
be retired
.
For instance
, army peoples can't do heavy lifting in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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retirement
in early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, where in other hands, teachers, Engineers, doctors and scientist perform better in their elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
due to their iterative practice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extra time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can contribute more to nation building.

To conclude
, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the above arguments that the profession should play a vital role in deciding the factor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
as there are lots of variables which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out if we decide this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on the basis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier stage. Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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