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Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody. Regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an early age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v.8

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody. Regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an early age. Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 8
Recently, the debate on the legalised retirement age has become heated. As far as I am concerned, I agree that it's unfair for the whole society to have the same age to retire. Firstly, some occupations deserves to early retirement due to their working intense. Because some of the workers might need to work all day and all night, for examples, cleaners and the workers on the constructive site, therefore, their body might be overloaded at a relatively younger age than the retirement age. As a result, their body mechanism might become weaker with a faster rate. Their productivity might therefore become less favourable when they are working at an age closing to the retirement age. Therefore, they should enjoy early retirement due to the body quality. Secondly, some jobs need to be up-to-date. It's a wild spread knowledge that it might be harder for us to absorb new stuffs when we are getting older. Therefore, for some job opportunities in creative industries like designers, it might be tough for them to keep designing the latest trendy products. Besides because of the advanced technology, some technological related job might also suffer the problem of being outdated. For example, the inventors might not able to go with the same pace as the booming technology. As a result, these employees in the trendy related industries should be able to enjoy the earlier entirement age. To summarise, it might be unfair for the whole society to have the same retirement age, as some of the workers who provide a lot of labour force might be overloaded at a relatively young age and some workers who need to always be up-to-date might also be tough when they reach the retirement age. Therefore, after analyse this issue, I think the trend for having different retirement age might be prevailed in the future.
Recently, the debate on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'legalised' is British English.
legalised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has become heated. As far as I
am concerned
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it's unfair for the whole society to have the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
to retire.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occupations deserves to early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
due to their working intense.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
need to work all day and all night, for examples, cleaners and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
on the constructive site,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
, their body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be overloaded
at a
relatively
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
As a result
, their body mechanism
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
become weaker with a faster rate. Their productivity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
become less
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
when they are working at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
closing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they should enjoy early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
due to the body quality.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs need to be up-to-date. It's a wild spread knowledge that it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be harder for us to absorb new stuffs when we are getting older.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
job opportunities in creative industries like designers, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be tough for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
designing the latest trendy products.
Besides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advanced technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
technological related job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
suffer the problem of
being outdated
.
For example
, the inventors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
the same pace as the booming technology.
As a result
, these employees in the trendy related industries should be able to enjoy the earlier
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entirement
age.

To
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summarise
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be unfair for the whole society to have the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, as
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
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labour
force
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might
be overloaded
at a
relatively
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who need to always be up-to-date
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
also
be tough when they reach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
this issue, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the trend for having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be prevailed
in the future.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody. Regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an early age. Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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