Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. v. 3
The media commonly provide a barrage of news about dangerous sports, because the deaths and injuries associated with them often make for spectacular headlines. As a result, some people have argued that all extreme sports should be banned, although I would argue that such a policy would be out of all proportion to the real risks involved. Those in favour of prohibiting people from taking part in dangerous sports tend to focus on the risk element. Even when individuals may be physically and mentally prepared to participate in extreme sports activities, and even when they have all the right gear, the dangers are ever-present. To take an example, few sports are as challenging and fraught with danger as BASE jumps. Participants hurl themselves off cliffs, and few escape without suffering severe bruising or acute abdominal pains which normally last for several days. In addition, although sports equipment rarely malfunctions, this may still happen and the consequences may be fatal. The supporters of legislation to ban dangerous sports argue that such tragic outcomes, not only affect the individual victims, but also leave mental scars, which their families then have to live with for the rest of their lives. However, I support the view of those who contend that participation in extreme sports must be a matter of personal choice. Firstly, overcoming physical challenges may be a springboard for positive personal transformation. It may make a person stronger and more determined, and the experience may be a life-changing one. Secondly, the rigours of preparation in order go mountain-climbing, whitewater rafting or other such extremely strenuous activities demand that an individual is at the peak of health and physical condition. Finally, there is an ethical aspect which dictates that a person should have the freedom to pursue the challenges which they set themselves, even though this may involve a level of risk which others might find unacceptable. In conclusion, while acknowledging the real risks, I would defend the right of any individual to take part in the extreme sport of their choice.
The media
commonly
provide a barrage of news about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the deaths and injuries associated with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
for spectacular headlines.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have argued that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be banned
, although I would argue that such a policy would be out of all proportion to the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
involved.

Those in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of prohibiting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from taking part in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
tend to focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
element. Even when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
may be
physically
and mentally prepared to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities, and even when they have all the right gear, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
are ever-present. To take an example, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are as challenging and fraught with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
as BASE jumps. Participants hurl themselves off cliffs, and
Possible agreement error. The noun escape seems to be countable; consider using: "few escapes".
few escape
without suffering severe bruising or acute abdominal pains which
normally
last for several days.
In addition
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
equipment rarely malfunctions, this may
still
happen and the consequences may be fatal. The supporters of legislation to ban
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
argue that such tragic outcomes, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
victims,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
mental scars, which their families then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with for the rest of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

However
, I support the view of those who contend that participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a matter of personal choice.
Firstly
, overcoming physical challenges may be a springboard for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
personal transformation. It may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a person stronger and more determined, and the experience may be a life-changing one.
Secondly
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'rigours' is British English.
rigours
of preparation in order go mountain-climbing, whitewater rafting or other such
extremely
strenuous activities demand that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
is at the peak of health and physical condition.
Finally
, there is an ethical aspect which dictates that a person should have the freedom to pursue the challenges which they set themselves,
even though
this may involve a level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
which others might find unacceptable.

In conclusion
, while acknowledging the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
, I would defend the right of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
of their choice.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts