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Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with free mobile phone and free internet to help them find jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.2

Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with free mobile phone and free internet to help them find jobs. v. 2
Technological advancement in the current world has increased the employment rate. With this increase, the methods of hiring have also evolved. Most interview screenings are done via mobile or email, which requires internet and phone. Some people advocate that the government should enable unemployed individuals with free access to phone and internet. This policy should be brought as soon as possible to uplift people without jobs, as these people do not have enough money and knowledge to apply or prepare for them. An initiative to provide basic needs on the 21st century, which are mobile and internet, without a cost can encourage unemployed people who do not have enough money. Because of this reason they restrain on buying internet. Most jobs now are listed on the web. My friend, from a poor family, struggled to obtain a job because he could not afford the internet or a phone, and he would miss all the vacancies by people who have these benefits. Discussing about how to find jobs, we must also take into consideration how to prepare for it. If a potential candidate has access to the internet, they can use the free material to prepare for their jobs. I follow many sources like articles, blog posts and news, to get up to date on my profession, this helps in getting a good job. Preparing for their job without paying anything would attract the unemployed population to make an effort to search for work. To conclude, unemployed people who do not have access to phones and internet because of money problems could really benefit from these free services. This will not just help them apply for jobs, but also prepare for them.
Technological advancement in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
world has increased the employment rate. With this increase, the methods of hiring have
also
evolved. Most interview screenings
are done
via mobile or email, which requires internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advocate that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployed
individuals with free access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and internet. This policy should
be brought
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible to uplift
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money and knowledge to apply or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for them.

An initiative to provide basic needs on the 21st century, which are mobile and internet, without a cost can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of this reason they restrain on buying internet. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are listed
on the web. My friend, from a poor family, struggled to obtain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he could not afford the internet or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, and he would miss all the vacancies by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have these benefits.

Did you mean simply "Discussing how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
Discussing about how
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
take into consideration how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for it. If a potential candidate has access to the internet, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the free material to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. I follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sources like articles, blog posts and news, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
up to date on my profession, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in getting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Preparing for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
without paying anything would attract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployed
population to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to search for work.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of money problems could
really
benefit from these free services. This will not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with free mobile phone and free internet to help them find jobs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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