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Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
A growing number of hospitals are now run by money-generating companies. While I accept that this trend brings some drawbacks, I believe that it is more likely to have many long term advantages for all citizens. On the one hand, it cannot be denied that private health care services may have some disadvantages. Firstly, treatment fees of these centres are higher than those run by governments so that low-income individuals cannot afford to use their services. In other words, these health care service providers only serve a small group of citizens, which may pose a threat to social equality. Furthermore, governments may struggle to monitor treatment processes in private hospitals, leading to unwanted deaths. Take Vietnam, for example, many patients died because independent hospitals used unauthorized methods and some illegal types of medicine to treat them. On the other hand, I would argue that the drawbacks are outweighed by the potential benefits. Independent health care centres make a profound contribution to solving the overcrowding of state health care centres. A reduction in the number of patients may improve the treatment efficiency and the quality of hospitals’ services. Besides, private hospitals, which are operated by large companies or organizations tend to pour an enormous amount of money in research into cures for chronic diseases like cancer or diabetes type II. As a result, state budgets can be used for other important sectors such as education or infrastructure. Although private hospitals have immediate effects, it seems to me that the benefits are more significant for some mentioned reasons.
A growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
run by money-generating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. While I accept that this trend brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, I believe that it is more likely to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
long term advantages for all citizens.

On the one hand, it cannot
be denied
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages.
Firstly
, treatment fees of these
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are higher than those run by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that low-income individuals cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
In other words
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
providers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
serve a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group of citizens, which may pose a threat to social equality.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
may struggle to monitor treatment processes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
, leading to unwanted deaths. Take Vietnam,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
patients
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
unauthorized methods and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illegal types of medicine to treat them.

On the other hand
, I would argue that the drawbacks
are outweighed
by the potential benefits. Independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a profound contribution to solving the overcrowding of state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. A reduction in the number of patients may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the treatment efficiency and the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
, which
are operated
by large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or organizations tend to pour an enormous amount of money in research into cures for chronic diseases like cancer or diabetes type II.
As a result
, state budgets can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sectors such as education or infrastructure.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospitals
have immediate effects, it seems to me that the benefits are more significant for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mentioned reasons.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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