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Some people think that getting a degree from university is the best way to guarantee a good job. Others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience instead. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that getting a degree from university is the best way to guarantee a good job. Others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience instead. v. 1
It is believed by many persons that to get a secured and valuable job, it is a necessity to have educational credentials, but others feel that, experience is crucial to earn money which we can attain by doing work only. I strongly believe that few streams required degree to start a job, while for some occupations experience is enough. On the one side, many persons encourage to study hard to obtain a degree so that an individual can get employed and can start earning. If a person wants to become a Doctor, engineer or as a professor, it is pivotal for them to enhance their academic knowledge first, by studding in college and university and then they can apply for internship to have practical experience to perform better or can directly get hired by applying in related firm or place. A teacher can never teach to their pupils effectively, if they are not qualified enough. Practical experience after degree adds more value to their performance. On the flip side, a businessman can make money through their skills and traits. They do not need any degree to start a business and recruit persons to work for him in his firm as they can crack the deal with their own intelligence or by following footsteps of their mentors. The entrepreneur can brush up their skills by practice in the workplace or through getting experience. There is no requirement to have a degree. To become a cook, it is mandatory to spend huge time in the kitchen and to observe others who are masters in culinary skills. In conclusion, degrees and experience both are equally important and required. According to me, some fields demand a certificate to pursue further and some demands experience and confidence to earn money and it would be better if we can focus more to fulfil the requirement of the particular field to secure the future and earn valuable money by doing hard work.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
that to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a secured and valuable job, it is a necessity to have educational credentials,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others feel that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is crucial to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which we can attain by doing work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. I
strongly
believe that few streams required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a job, while for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occupations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

On the one side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
encourage
Did you mean "studying"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to obtain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that an individual can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
employed and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
wants to become a Doctor, engineer or as a professor, it is pivotal for them to enhance their academic knowledge
first
, by studding in college and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
university and
then they can apply for internship to have practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
to perform better or can
directly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hired by applying in related firm or place. A teacher can never teach to their pupils
effectively
, if they are not qualified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. Practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
more value to their performance.

On the flip side, a businessman can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
through their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and traits. They do not need any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a business and recruit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
to work for him in his firm as they can crack the deal with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
intelligence or by following footsteps of their mentors. The entrepreneur can brush up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by practice in the workplace or through getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. There is no requirement to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
. To become a cook, it is mandatory to spend huge time in the kitchen and to observe others who are masters in culinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
both are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and required.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields demand a certificate to pursue
further
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and confidence to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and it would be better if we can focus more to fulfil the requirement of the particular field to secure the future and earn valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people think that getting a degree from university is the best way to guarantee a good job. Others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience instead. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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