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Many people believe that social networking sites(such as Facebook)have had a huge impact on both the individuals and society? To what extent do you agree? v.1

Many people believe that social networking sites(such as Facebook)have had a huge impact on both the individuals and society? v. 1
Social networking services are online platforms for people to build their social networks or a following of other people who share same personal interests. However, some people believe that these social media platforms have had a pessimistic impact on both humans and societies. Whereas, I believe that its benefits outweigh its disadvantages. To begin with, the impact that social media has had on each individual is a big advantage. Firstly, people from different culture, countries are brought together with social media sites such as Facebook. Earlier, when there was no internet and social networking platforms people have had rare chances to meet someone from a different culture and had a rare opportunity to communicate with them. Secondly, Facebooks gives us the advantage to form online groups and gives us the chance to connect and communicate with people who share similar interests. On the other hand, the impact which Facebook and other social networking sites have had on the local communities can only be seen in a negative way. Because, people prefer involving online with others, rather than taking part in their local communities. Consequently, these days people do not have strong relationships with each other. furthermore, so cities are becoming disjointed and fragmented as more and more people socializing online, instead of doing it in-person. To conclude, although social networking sites have brought people from different countries together, but it has not the similar impact on the local communities and societies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
networking services are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
platforms for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to build their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks or a following of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who share same personal interests.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media platforms have had a pessimistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on both humans and societies.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, I believe that its benefits outweigh its disadvantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media has had on each individual is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
advantage.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture, countries
are brought
together with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media sites such as Facebook. Earlier, when there was no internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking platforms
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have had rare chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
someone from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and had a rare opportunity to communicate with them.
Secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Facebooks
gives us the advantage to form
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
groups and gives us the chance to connect and communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who share similar interests.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
which Facebook and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites have had on the local communities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer involving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
with others,
rather
than taking part in their local communities.
Consequently
, these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have strong relationships with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
cities are becoming disjointed and fragmented as more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
socializing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
,
instead
of doing it in-person.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites have brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries together,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has not the similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on the local communities and societies.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many people believe that social networking sites(such as Facebook)have had a huge impact on both the individuals and society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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