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Some people think that getting a degree from a university is the best way to guarantee a good job, others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that getting a degree from a university is the best way to guarantee a good job, others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience. v. 1
It is a common belief that it is essential to hold a degree from a university to get a job. On the other hand, some people argue that being participated in a workplace is more vital. Both views have reasonable opinions, however I firmly believe that having an experience in career is more welcomed in most of the workplaces. A majority of people consider a high level of education is a key to getting a job. Especially, in a university, one can learn specific knowledge, which they choose for their major, at least three to four years. In other words, if one wants to pursue their career same as their major, they already got a background understanding before they start the job. It has a big difference in the workplace with or without background knowledge. There are numerous positions which only employs a specific major. For instance, in Korea, one has to graduate a college of education to be a teacher in Elementary school. However I support the idea that having an experience in a real work environment is a pivotal factor of employment. Unfortunately, many students did not choose the major that really matches their career. Some might have chosen their major according to their parents' wish or their scores on the SAT. Experience can be a more important factor in employment because having a general knowledge means they are good at that task, while having a work experience can be interpreted the candidate knows what to bring to the role. To sum up, while it is apparent that still many employers think that degree is the one of the main requirements of their job, it is undeniable fact that having a similar experience is more beneficial for the successful candidates, since they know how to deal with the practical work environments.
It is a common belief that it is essential to hold a degree from a university to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
being participated
in a workplace is more vital. Both views have reasonable opinions,
however
I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in career is more welcomed in most of the workplaces.

A majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider a high level of education is a key to getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Especially
, in a university, one can learn specific knowledge, which they choose for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
, at least three to four years.
In other words
, if one wants to pursue their career same as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
, they already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a background understanding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. It has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
difference in the workplace with or without background knowledge. There are numerous positions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
employs a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
.
For instance
, in Korea, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
graduate a college of education to be a teacher in Elementary school.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in a real work environment is a pivotal factor of employment. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students did not choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
that
really
matches their career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
might have chosen their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
according to their parents' wish or their scores on the SAT.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Experience
can be a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "general knowledge".
a general knowledge
means they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at that task, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
can
be interpreted
the candidate knows what to bring to the role.

To sum up, while it is apparent that
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that degree is the one of the main requirements of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, it is undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is more beneficial for the successful candidates, since they know how to deal with the practical work environments.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that getting a degree from a university is the best way to guarantee a good job, others believe that it would be better to go straight into work and get experience. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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