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Some people think that foreign visitors should be charged more than locals when they visit cultural and tourist attractions in a country. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.9

Some people think that foreign visitors should be charged more than locals when they visit cultural and tourist attractions in a country. v. 9
In this modern day, foreigners are interested in travelling in order to learn the different cultures and tourism destinations from other countries. I personally think, they should be paid extra more than the local residents. However, the fund tickets can be used to the societal development and improvable facilities. Money that gains from tourism should be contributed to the economy to develop important sites such as temples and monuments. For instance, in cambodia each foreign visitors have to pay ten dollars to look around the temples. This fund are used to construct the roads, so that it would be easier for tourists come to visit. Likewise, the government could create new places which attract more tourists to visit. Consequently, the popularity of tourism might create employment for the local residents. Hence, they might run the business for many facilities in order to develop their own society. In addition, tourists funds might be contribute to improve the facilities. This means the local residents might afford to the tourist services, for instance, the resort tickets should be paid for toilet or water supplies. Some areas are damaged because of old-ages and break down, although, it should be either rebuild or replaced new ones. In particular, those facilities can be the evident which is important for the tourist to see and learn about the culture heritage of the country. Therefore, tourists would like to spend massive amount of money to explore in many other countries. To sum up, the extraordinary of money that gain from overseas tourists are used for the societal development such as infrastructure. In addition, some facilities are improved through the tickets funds. In spite of this, the charge from tourists should be fairly contributed to develop the tourist destination in the countries.
In this modern day, foreigners
are interested
in travelling in order to learn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and tourism destinations from other countries. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, they should
be paid
extra more than the local residents.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
tickets can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to the societal development and improvable facilities.

Money that gains from tourism should
be contributed
to the economy to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sites such as temples and monuments.
For instance
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
cambodia
each foreign visitors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay ten dollars to look around the temples. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to construct the roads,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it would be easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to visit.
Likewise
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could create new places which attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
to visit.
Consequently
, the popularity of tourism
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
create employment for the local residents.
Hence
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
run the business for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities in order to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
society.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
funds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
Consider using the past participle "contributed"?
contribute
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the facilities. This means the local residents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
afford to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
services,
for instance
, the resort tickets should
be paid
for toilet or water supplies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
areas
are damaged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-ages and break down, although, it should be either rebuild or replaced new ones.
In particular
, those facilities can be the evident which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and learn about the culture heritage of the country.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
would like to spend massive amount of money to explore in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other countries.

To sum up, the extraordinary of money that gain from overseas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the societal development such as infrastructure.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facilities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
through the tickets funds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, the charge from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
should be
fairly
contributed to develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
destination in the countries.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that foreign visitors should be charged more than locals when they visit cultural and tourist attractions in a country. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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