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Some people think that elderly people should be forced to retire at a certain age, such as 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they are able and want to. Discuss both sides of this argument and then give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think that elderly people should be forced to retire at a certain age, such as 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they are able and want to. v. 1
In this highly competitive world, employees are spending elongated hours at their workplaces to achieve business goals and targets. Although dedicated workers are rewarded for their extra hours at the office, in return their leisure time is abridged. On the face of it, promising career prospects and a better financial package are eminent positivities of working extended hours. However, in the long-run people deprived of free time hold high propensity of getting physical and mental health illnesses at an early age besides facing grim prospect of social isolation. As per my standpoint, health takes precedence over all other matters and delicate balance is absolutely necessary to live a content life. The primary factor that drives a person to show utmost commitment towards work and feel no harm in sitting late at the office is none other than bright career prospect. For instance, in the race to elevate high in hierarchical ranks, some people are ready to sacrifice everything in their life. No doubt, their hard work pays off in the shape of reaching to key post with the lucrative remuneration package, which in result is a source of solace and jubilation for career-driven individuals. On the contrary, People working late at offices do not have spare time to interact with family members and friends. With the passage of time, they realized that there is no person in their social circle with whom they can share their feelings or talk about matters other than work. This in result, scuttle them into the world of isolation and make them susceptible to debilitating illnesses during the course of their life. In this context, it is important to cast a right balance between professional and personal life. All must not be put at risk in pursuit of material gains. Life has more colours, dimension and purposes other than increasing personal bank balance and authoritative post. I personally considered, regular working hours should be strictly followed because habit of working over and beyond regular working hours is destroying the social fabric of the society and making us all emotion less machines. In the nutshell, its negative consequences are far greater than any benefits associated with it.
In this
highly
competitive world, employees are spending elongated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at their workplaces to achieve business goals and targets. Although dedicated workers
are rewarded
for their extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at the office, in return their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is abridged
. On the face of it, promising career prospects and a better financial package are eminent positivities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
However
, in the long-run
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
deprived of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
hold high propensity of getting physical and mental health illnesses at an early age
besides
facing grim prospect of social isolation. As per my standpoint, health takes precedence over all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
matters and delicate balance is
absolutely
necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a content life.

The primary factor that drives a person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
utmost commitment towards work and feel no harm in sitting late at the office is none
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than bright career prospect.
For instance
, in the race to elevate high in hierarchical ranks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are ready to sacrifice everything in their life. No doubt, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work pays off in the shape of reaching to key post with the lucrative remuneration package, which in result is a source of solace and jubilation for career-driven individuals.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
late at offices do not have spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to interact with family members and friends. With the passage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they realized that there is no person in their social circle with whom they can share their feelings or talk about matters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than work. This in result, scuttle them into the world of isolation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them susceptible to debilitating illnesses during the course of their life.

In this context, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to cast a right balance between professional and personal life. All
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be put
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
in pursuit of material gains. Life has more
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
, dimension and purposes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than increasing personal bank balance and authoritative post. I
personally
considered, regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should be
strictly
followed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
over and beyond regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is destroying the social fabric of the society and making us all emotion less machines. In the nutshell, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences are far greater than any benefits associated with it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people think that elderly people should be forced to retire at a certain age, such as 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they are able and want to. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
361 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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