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people should be allowed to work as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

people should be allowed to work as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65. v. 2
Employment has played an important role of every individual since they graduated or become an adult. While some people argue that there should be no restriction for the maximum age of working, and should not be coerced to leave at the age 60 or 65, I completely disagree with the prompt for couple of reasons, which would be elaborated in the following paragraphs. Working at senior ages simply put people’s health at risks. This is often due to the fact that the condition of human’s body deteriorates as the times goes by. Even though for the people who engaging in nonphysical demanding jobs, people are still afflicted by the heavy burden and overstressed by the pressure. This not only jeopardizes the mental health of employees, but also exacerbates the already fragile physical condition. One salient example of this can be seen in the hospital and clinics, numerous of the people suffered from low back pain in their vocational career. This often stems from the fact that the physical demanding of job that the older generation are unable to withstand. Of great concerns of people’s health state, it is necessary to compel the workers who ages more than sixties to retire. This is often due to the fact that the productivity of the company or factory depends on whether the employees are healthy. The more healthy the workers are, the more productive of the plants. A case in point is that most of the factories saw a tremendous diminish or stagnation in their production by virtue of the aging of their employees. As a result, I utterly consent that workers should be forced to leave their job after sixties as the productivity is concerned. By way of conclusion, as I argued above, I am firmly convinced that it is mandatory for employees to retire during their later period of ages. This is beneficial for both the worker oneself and the company.
Employment has played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role of every individual since they graduated or become an adult. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that there should be no restriction for the maximum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of working, and should not
be coerced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
60 or 65, I completely disagree with the prompt for couple of reasons, which would
be elaborated
in the following paragraphs.

Working at senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
simply
put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
due to the fact that the condition of human’s body deteriorates as the times goes by.
Even though
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who engaging in nonphysical demanding jobs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
afflicted by the heavy burden and
Possible spelling mistake found.
overstressed
by the pressure. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
jeopardizes the mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
exacerbates the already fragile physical condition. One salient example of this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the hospital and clinics, numerous of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffered from low back pain in their vocational career. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
stems from the fact that the physical demanding of job that the older generation are unable to withstand.

Of great concerns of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health state, it is necessary to compel the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who
Did you mean "age"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'workers' should be used.
ages
more than sixties to retire. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
due to the fact that the productivity of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or factory depends on whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are healthy. The more healthy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are, the more productive of the plants. A case in point is that most of the factories
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a tremendous diminish or stagnation in their production by virtue of the aging of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
As a result
, I
utterly
consent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should
be forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their job after sixties as the productivity
is concerned
.

By way of conclusion, as I argued above, I am
firmly
convinced that it is mandatory for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to retire during their later period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
. This is beneficial for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
oneself and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay people should be allowed to work as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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