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people should be allowed to work as long as they want to and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65 Do you agree or disagree v.3

people should be allowed to work as long as they want to and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65 v. 3
The age at which person is required to cease work is the retirement age, but it has been imposed a specific age- between 60 to 65- to retire from work. Hence, a vigorous debate has been sparked over whether the retirement age should be compulsory or not. In my opinion, governments should not grant permission to people to carry on working on condition that they want to, due to their health conditions. Firstly, one of the primary reasons to retire at a particular age is that the older people place an onerous burden on a workplace, for they are less productive physical. Therefore, they do not have the necessary power to undertake the arduous tasks and that leads not only to hinder the progress of the workplace but also to incur the firm heavy losses. For example, Facebook, which deems as one of the leading companies in the technology all over the world, has average ages between 25 to 50, and the Chief Executive Offices is only 35 years old. Secondly, keeping older workers in the workforce for longer might have negative consequences for younger workers. To enumerate, if the headcount of a company is consistent, the youth have to wait until an older person retires, but their chances to be hired will be reduced. As a result, not only does the unemployment rate rises, but the cost of providing subsidies to cover idleness also escalates. In Conclusion, I believe the retirement age should be obligatory at a certain age because of many reasons, of which the high rate of idleness is the most apparent.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
at which person
is required
to cease work is the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has
been imposed
a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age-
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 60 and 65".
between 60 to 65
- to retire from work.
Hence
, a vigorous debate has
been sparked
over whether the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be compulsory or not. In my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should not grant permission to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to carry on working on condition that they want to, due to their health conditions.

Firstly
, one of the primary reasons to retire at a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is that the older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
place an onerous burden on a workplace, for they are less productive physical.
Therefore
, they do not have the necessary power to undertake the arduous tasks and that leads not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to hinder the progress of the workplace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to incur the firm heavy losses.
For example
, Facebook, which deems as one of the leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the technology all over the world, has average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 25 and 50".
between 25 to 50
, and the Chief Executive Offices is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
35 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

Secondly
, keeping older workers in the workforce for longer might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences for younger workers. To enumerate, if the headcount of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is consistent, the youth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait until an older person retires,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their chances to
be hired
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
As a result
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the unemployment rate
Did you mean "rise"?
rises
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the cost of providing subsidies to cover idleness
also
escalates.

In Conclusion
, I believe the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should be obligatory at a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, of which the high rate of idleness is the most apparent.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay people should be allowed to work as long as they want to and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65 v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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