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Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while other think people should be free to choose v.2

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while other think people should be free to choose v. 2
In my opinion, I think that people need to be given the freedom to choose what they should be doing and not doing as sports. As the present and future world is thinking more towards the freedom of people, this scenario should also be considered in the same manner. Sport is something which helps to keep the balance of the society. It improves the attitudes of humans and it helps to improve their behaviour. Engage in sports helps to work with teams, improve quick thinking, practice to bear up wins and defeats, enhancing leadership qualities etc. All in all it helps to make a healthy society as well. Sports are one of the key factors of a healthy human being. Similarly categorizing of sports as dangerous or non-dangerous by spectators or by another party who is not engaged in those sports is a massive unfair for the players. It has to come from the players who are the real contenders of the game. In parallel to providing the right to take decision to choose the sport, it also should improve the attitude of having necessary safety equipments of the players. Rather than distracting their game and banning those games, it is quite fair and reasonable to make noise in order to upgrade the safety of those sports. Nowadays people are more developed in thinking compared to the people who were in a hundred years ago. So with the freedom of thinking people has been using their right to take their own decisions moreover than in the past. It has been proven through the latest elections from all over the world. So with all these facts, I am quite happy to mention that people need to be given their own right to choose whatever sport they like which can be dangerous or not dangerous.
In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the freedom to choose what they should be doing and not doing as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. As the present and future world is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thinking
more towards the freedom of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, this scenario should
also
be considered
in the same manner.

Sport is something which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the balance of the society. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
the attitudes of humans and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to work with teams,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
quick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thinking
, practice to bear up wins and defeats, enhancing leadership qualities etc. All in all it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a healthy society
as well
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
are one of the key factors of a healthy human being.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
categorizing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
or non-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
by spectators or by another party who is not engaged in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is a massive unfair for the players. It
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the players who are the real contenders of the game. In parallel to providing the right to take decision to choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, it
also
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the attitude of having necessary safety equipments of the players.
Rather
than distracting their game and banning those games, it is quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
and reasonable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
noise in order to upgrade the safety of those sports.

Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more developed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thinking
compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who were in a hundred years ago.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
with the freedom of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has been using their right to take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions
Use "(moreover)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
moreover
than in the past. It has
been proven
through the latest elections from all over the world.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
with all these facts, I am quite happy to mention that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
right to choose whatever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
they like which can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
or not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while other think people should be free to choose v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
303 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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