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Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while others think people should be free to choose

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while other think people should be free to choose. v. 1
Currently, discourse regarding extreme sports is increasingly topical. Many experts suggest that regulators ought to omit dangerous games in the championship, whereas some of them argue that the types of sport options should not be limited and players have their freedom to choose. I will put forth the main idea of both sides and believe that the latter is valid because sports are related to human intentions that it could not be prohibited. The main reason for this is that similar with art, sports are such activities that will be performed by someone who have desire in one of them. This is to say that, people would spend their time for exercise due to the fact that they want to master a kind of sport skills that make them to be on cloud nine. As an illustrastion, after the government of Taiwan signed the new regulation to allow children being recognized to sports, many of them decide to concentrate on one sport that they take to learning, such as football, badminton, tennis, etc. , and they would leave a game that they are not inspired. The chief problem for restricting a number of sports is that it could make people being not motivated to win the competition because they have been not allowed to join the game that they are extremely want to. As a consequence, the host of tournaments could not have the true champions who would being the symbol of the hero in the competition. Besides, having players taking the options of games that they have keen into it, the host of the championship should prepare a proper health care service for people who join the competitions. To conclude, people ought to be free to pick a sport option that they take to loving because omitting one of the types particularly the dengarous one would be decline the people motivation owing to the fact that sports is about human desire.
Currently
, discourse regarding extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is
increasingly
topical.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
experts suggest that regulators ought to omit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in the championship, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them argue that the types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
options should not
be limited
and players have their freedom to choose. I will put forth the main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of both sides and believe that the latter is valid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are related
to human intentions that it could not
be prohibited
.

The main reason for this is that similar with art,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are such activities that will
be performed
by someone who have desire in one of them. This is to say that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would spend their time for exercise due to the fact that they want to master a kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to be on cloud nine. As an
Possible spelling mistake found.
illustrastion
, after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Taiwan signed the new regulation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
children
being recognized
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them decide to concentrate on one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
that they take to learning, such as football, badminton, tennis, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
and they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a game that they are not inspired.

The chief problem for restricting a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is that it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
being not motivated to win the competition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have been not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the game that they are
extremely
Consider using a past participle here: "wanted".
want
to. As a consequence, the host of tournaments could not have the true champions who would being the symbol of the hero in the competition.
Besides
, having players taking the options of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that they have keen into it, the host of the championship should prepare a proper health care service for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the competitions.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to be free to pick a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
option that they take to loving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
omitting one of the types
particularly
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
dengarous
one would be decline the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
motivation owing to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is about human desire.
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If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while others think people should be free to choose

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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