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Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned while others think people should be free to choose from. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned while others think people should be free to choose from. v. 1
The debate about whether to ban dangerous sports is always controversial. Some claimed that dangerous sports should be banned while others believe, to choose any sort of sport, people should have liberty. This essay will examine both views, but personally, I strongly advocate that people should be able to opt for sports of their choice rather than choosing some particular sports, yet precautions should be taken account. On the one hand, some support the view to ban dangerous sports like swimming, bullfighting, scuba diving, polo, racing and mountaineering. This is because people may become disabled by the occurrence of any detrimental incident. For example, in 2015, a group of friends set a mountaineering competition in the mountain range of Himalayas. The unfortunate event occurred, one of the person slipped from the mountain; broke his leg, now he is on a wheelchair. Furthermore, at worse, participating in a dangerous sport could cost a precious life. On the other hand, some people believe that one should be liberal to play the sport of one’s choice. This is because one could overcome one’s fear. To illustrate, a person having height phobia could abolish this phobia by mountaineering, sky diving or paragliding. Likewise, one could eliminate the phobia of water by doing swimming. Moreover, a survey conducted at Oxford University, states that extreme sports can develop extraordinary decisive skills in an individual. This survey was conducted on a sampled managerial workforce and astonished results were recorded as the subjected workforce showed effective decisive skills at their work. To conclude, I believe it should always be an individual’s choice to pick a sport to play rather than banning extreme sports. Furthermore, precautionary measures should be practised while enjoying dangerous sports.
The debate about whether to ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is always controversial.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be banned
while others believe, to choose any sort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have liberty. This essay will examine both views,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
personally
, I
strongly
advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be able to opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
of their choice
rather
than choosing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
yet
precautions should
be taken
account.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
support the view to ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like swimming, bullfighting, scuba diving, polo, racing and mountaineering. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may become disabled by the occurrence of any detrimental incident.
For example
, in 2015, a group of friends
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "sets"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'set' is not always incorrect.)
set
a mountaineering competition in the mountain range
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the Himalayas".
of Himalayas
. The unfortunate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
occurred, one of the person slipped from the mountain; broke his leg,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he is on a wheelchair.
Furthermore
, at worse, participating in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
could cost a precious life.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that one should be liberal to play the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
of one’s choice. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one could overcome one’s fear. To illustrate, a person having height phobia could abolish this phobia by mountaineering,
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
or paragliding.
Likewise
, one could eliminate the phobia of water by
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going swimming".
doing swimming
.
Moreover
, a survey conducted at Oxford University, states that extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can develop extraordinary decisive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in an individual. This survey
was conducted
on a sampled managerial workforce and astonished results
were recorded
as the subjected workforce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
effective decisive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at their work.

To conclude
, I believe it should always be an individual’s choice to pick a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
to play
rather
than banning extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Furthermore
, precautionary measures should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'practised' is British English.
practised
while enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned while others think people should be free to choose from. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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