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Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v.2

Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v. 2
Youngsters leisure time should be directed to educational activities if not it may result the wasting the time. Although it is possible that children may get overwhelmed with extra educational exercises or acquire new fruitful skills on their spare time. This essay will discuss why it is hard for children to do additional activities during their free time. Spending leisure time for learning new skills or to do other educational activities could be utilitarian for their studies or in their future inasmuch as the benefit they get from this process would be seen in the further circumstances. For example, my cousin used to learn foreign languages whenever he got free time consequently it helped him him to be well qualified interpreter. That is why replacing the activities of children can be beneficial to them. However kids may got engulfed of doing additional materials that related to education on their own time. It better to choose physical exercises to do cause most of their daily time they spend at school mastering the subject. For instance, about 7 hours of their typical daytime are consumed by the academic activities which is provided by this school curriculum and parents at home. As a consequence overpowering them educationally may effect their other learning Ascusition negatively. In conclusion, spending the leisure time of schoolchildren educationally may be beneficial in a way that they can enlarge the opportunities in other spheres but they can get overdosed of lessons lose the ability to learn other skills. I believe that children must be provided with activities related to academic probation educational field in a planned time.
Youngsters leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be directed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
if not it may result the wasting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Although it is possible that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overwhelmed with extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
exercises or acquire new fruitful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
on their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This essay will discuss why it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during their free time.

Spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for learning new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could be utilitarian for their studies or in their future inasmuch as the benefit they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from this process would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
further
circumstances.
For example
, my cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to learn foreign languages whenever he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
consequently
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
Possible typo: you repeated a word
him him
to be well qualified interpreter.
That is
why replacing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be beneficial to them.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
kids may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
engulfed of doing additional materials that related to education on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It better to choose physical exercises to do cause most of their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they spend at school mastering the subject.
For instance
, about 7 hours of their typical daytime
are consumed
by the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which
is provided
by this school curriculum and parents at home.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a consequence overpowering them
educationally
may
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
learning
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ascusition
negatively
.

In conclusion
, spending the leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of schoolchildren
educationally
may be beneficial in a way that they can enlarge the opportunities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
spheres
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overdosed of lessons lose the ability to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be provided
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
related to academic probation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
field in a planned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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