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Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v.1

Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v. 1
There are split opinion regarding to the leisure time of kids should include extra class activity or not. Some believe that it is good for the mental health of kids. Whereas another group of thinkers support that non-educational action helps both physical growth and mental health. However, both have its own pros and cons. Therefore, before commenting on my decision both opinions would be discussed. Examine the former opinion, the primary argument supporters would put forward is educational activities enlarge the knowledge and skills of children. This might bring positive impact on the improvement of the mind. For example, games like word power, math game and etc. Makes a strong vocabulary of the child. Consequently, the child would not waste his moment into gossiping and playing violent and useless games. By this way, he would understand the value of second. This is a very important for any kid to have a good valuable time with proper knowledge. On the contrary, the latter view suggests that it is necessary to play outside and get relax from the hectic study schedule. Because, after schooling if parent force them to do again some educational exercise than they might get frustrated. Beside this, by giving some free space to child for playing outdoor game results in physical improvement as well as mental growth. Because, physical exercise includes stretching of the entire body and also contains concentration so, they will not loss the game. To conclude and give my opinion, I would say that Non educational activities are not wastage of time. It is ideal for mental and physical improvement. So, we have to give some time to our kids to get relax and then study. This will definitely work positively.
There
are split
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
the leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
should include extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
activity or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. Whereas another group of thinkers
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "supports"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'support' is not always incorrect.)
support
that non-educational action
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
growth and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
health.
However
, both have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
commenting on my decision both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
would
be discussed
.

Examine the former
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, the primary argument supporters would put forward is educational activities enlarge the knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of children. This might bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the improvement of the mind.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like word power, math game
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Makes
a strong vocabulary of the child.

Consequently
, the child would not waste his moment into gossiping and playing violent and useless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. By this way, he would understand the value of second. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with proper knowledge.

On the contrary
, the latter view suggests that it is necessary to play outside and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relax from the hectic study schedule.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, after schooling if parent force them to do again
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
educational exercise than they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
frustrated. Beside this, by giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
free space to child for playing outdoor game results in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
improvement
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
growth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise includes stretching of the entire body and
also
contains concentration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they will not
"loss" is a noun. Did you mean the verb "lose" (= 'to lose')?
loss
the game.

To conclude
and give my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, I would say that
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
Non educational
activities are not wastage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. It is ideal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
improvement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relax and then study. This will definitely work
positively
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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