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Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past Do you agree or disagree with this statement Give your opinion reasons and solutions v.2

Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past Give your opinion reasons and solutions v. 2
It is irrefutable that, nowadays many pupils are facing cause related to their health and fitness. It is a matter of intense anxiety which has caused due to children’s bad eating habits, less physical activities and spending most of the time in front of television or computer. First of all, most of them are spending time only on indoor activities such as Video games and Internet gadgets which made them Eye-sight problems early ages. Secondly, many parents are trying to give better lifestyle to their children, They have been given more freedom and not to do give any work. As a result of which they become indolence and obese. Finally, very bad eating food habits which impact them the detrimental effect on their health. With the excess pocket money, they always attracted to eat junk food, candies, and beverages, which turned into teeth decay and stomach-ache problems. Once a solution to this situation is the active intervention of parents, parents should stop them their eating habits and also stop to give an excess of pocket money that' s highly recommended. They try to make them time busy with outdoor activities such as Cricket, Football, Badminton, and Tennis. Also, motivate them to do yoga and ask them to go to the gym to maintain their physical body. To recapitulate this, Parents are more responsible to make their pupil more active. Government and Schools can conduct some physical activities programs and they have to create awareness for all the children
It is irrefutable that, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pupils are facing cause related to their health and fitness. It is a matter of intense anxiety which has caused due to children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating habits, less physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and spending most of the time in front of television or computer.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, most of them are spending time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as Video games and Internet gadgets which made them Eye-sight problems early ages.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are trying to give better lifestyle to their children, They have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more freedom and not to do give any work.
As a result
of which they become indolence and obese.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating food habits which impact them the detrimental effect on their health. With the excess pocket money, they always attracted to eat junk food, candies, and beverages, which turned into teeth decay and stomach-ache problems.

Once a solution to this situation is the active intervention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them their eating habits and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
to give an excess of pocket money
Possible spelling mistake found.
that&
#039; s
highly
recommended. They try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them time busy with outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as Cricket, Football, Badminton, and Tennis.
Also
, motivate them to do yoga and ask them to go to the gym to maintain their physical body.

To recapitulate this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are more responsible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their pupil more active.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and Schools can conduct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
programs and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
create awareness for all the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
children
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past Give your opinion reasons and solutions v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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