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Some people think that children sould learn to compete, but others think they should be taught to co-operate so they could become more useful aduls. Give your opinion v.1

Some people think that children sould learn to compete, but others think they should be taught to co-operate so they could become more useful aduls. Give your opinion v. 1
The future is uncertain and only humans have the spirit to take everything with optimism. It is universally accepted fact that everyone should save something for their future generations, but there is a strong counter argument among sections of people who believe in the present. However, we will discuss both positive and negative aspects in the light of several factors before any conclusion can be drawn. Firstly, today's generation is not worried about their future as it is uncertain. Nobody knows what will happen next? So, planning for something which is unknown, in advance, is merely wastage of time and energy. To illustrate this, most of the youth plan to adopt a certain profession much earlier in their lives and plan their future accordingly. But in almost 90% cases their lives turned out to be something else. In western countries, people believe in enjoying and living their lives with utmost satisfaction. Also lifestyles, people are adopting these days, they need to maintain their social status too. For example, a person uses helicopter to travel from one place to another to show his monetary success. Furthermore, for entertainment people travelling to expensive cities like Las Vegas and London lower down the scope of savings. Secondly, a habit of not saving for future and spending without thinking can create lots of trouble in one's life. As the future is uncertain, so is the life of humans. One should save for future uncertainties like illness, poverty, loss, fire, theft and others. For example, recession hit the USA in 2008 and people were highly affected because of lack of savings for future uncertainties. Beside this, spare money should be used in helping the needy person. Money saved during young age can be used in old age when the person does not have the ability to earn. Savings can be done in the form of gold, jewellery, fixed deposits etc. When the whole world was affected by the recession during 2008, India was the only country least affected due to public savings. To conclude, spending money just to show monetary success is not a positive development. Everyone should save something for their future generation, so that even they can understand the importance of saving for bad times. Squandering money instead of saving can cause individuals to be helpless in the hour of need.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is uncertain and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
humans have the spirit to take everything with optimism. It is
universally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that everyone should save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is a strong counter argument among sections of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe in the present.
However
, we will discuss both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects in the light of several factors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any conclusion can
be drawn
.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation is not worried about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
as it is uncertain. Nobody knows what will happen
next
?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, planning for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
which is unknown, in advance, is
merely
wastage of time and energy. To illustrate this, most of the youth plan to adopt a certain profession much earlier in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and plan their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
accordingly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in almost 90% cases their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
turned out to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
else. In western countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe in enjoying and living their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with utmost satisfaction.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
lifestyles,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are adopting these days, they need to maintain their social status too.
For example
, a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
helicopter to travel from one place to another to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
his monetary success.
Furthermore
, for entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travelling to expensive cities like Las Vegas and London lower down the scope of savings.

Secondly
, a habit of not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and spending without thinking can create lots of trouble in one's life. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is uncertain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is the life of humans. One should save for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
uncertainties like illness, poverty, loss, fire, theft
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
For example
, recession hit the USA in 2008 and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
uncertainties. Beside this, spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in helping the needy person.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
saved during young age can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age when the person does not have the ability to earn.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Savings
can
be done
in the form of gold,
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
deposits etc. When the whole world was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the recession during 2008, India was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
country least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
due to public savings.

To conclude
, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
monetary success is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development. Everyone should save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that even they can understand the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
times. Squandering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
can cause individuals to be helpless in the hour of need.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people think that children sould learn to compete, but others think they should be taught to co-operate so they could become more useful aduls. Give your opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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