Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. 2
It is argue that whether schoolchidren should study in the highly competitive environment. While many individuals believe that competing with others would benefit children in many circumstances, I would argue that cooperative environment is better for chidren themselves. On the one hand, there are various reasons why teenagers should learn in the competitive classroom. Firstly, thanks to this environment, children could be encouraged to make great strides in their study so as to become the high achievers. As a result, some top classmates would be recognized and given to specialised classes to nurture their academic ability. In my high school, for example, students often take examination during the term to classify those gifted students and give them to the extra classes to take national competitions. Secondly, the competitive environment could expose children to the real world, where they have to compete with others. If, for instance, youngsters are taught to compete, then they will have a wealth of experience and easily find a job in the intensely competitive society. On the other hand, I strongly agree with those people who believe that collaborative learning could result in more favourable outcomes. The first reason is that teamwork spirit is of paramount importance for schoolchildren in the classroom context because it allows them to make the most of each member strengths and minimize weaknesses. Consequently, productivity could be promoted and individual student would identify and overcome their own weaknesses. Furthermore, cooperative environment could foster social solidarity, which is vitally important for student future career seeing that each team project in company would always be assigned in group instead of just one member. In conclusion, it seems to me that collaboration between students brings more benefits, although competitive environment also stand students in good stead to some extent.
It is
Consider using a past participle here: "argued".
argue
that whether
Possible spelling mistake found.
schoolchidren
should study in the
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals believe that competing with others would benefit children in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
circumstances, I would argue that cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
is better for
Possible spelling mistake found.
chidren
themselves.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should learn in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
classroom.
Firstly
, thanks to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
, children could
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
great strides in their study
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
become the high achievers.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
top classmates would
be recognized
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
classes to nurture their academic ability. In my high school,
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
take examination during the term to classify those gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and give them to the extra classes to take national competitions.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
could expose children to the real world, where they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with others. If,
for instance
, youngsters
are taught
to compete, then they will have a wealth of experience and
easily
find a job in the
intensely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
society.

On the other hand
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe that collaborative learning could result in more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
outcomes. The
first
reason is that teamwork spirit is of paramount importance for schoolchildren in the classroom context
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of each member strengths and minimize weaknesses.
Consequently
, productivity could
be promoted
and individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
would identify and overcome their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
weaknesses.
Furthermore
, cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
could foster social solidarity, which is
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
future career seeing that each team project in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
would always
be assigned
in group
instead
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one member.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that collaboration between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
brings more benefits, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
also
stand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts