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Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.1

Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. 1
People often debate what the appropriate retirement age is. According to some, having a standard retirement age for all professionals is not fair. I agree with this view. In my opinion, people working in industries that demand higher levels of endurance and agility should be given early retirement. The idea of a standard retirement age for all professionals is certainly flawed. This is because different jobs have different requirements. For example, people working in military and police department need higher levels of physical fitness and mental agility. Since fitness levels decrease with age, they need early retirement. Pilots, drivers and motormen should also be given early retirement because of the demands of their job. They have to stay focused for hours on end. Since attention spans tend to decrease as people age, they cannot be allowed to work into their 60’s. Likewise, people working in the construction and mining sectors also need early retirement. These jobs pose a lot of health hazards and as such people performing them should be given early retirement. On the other hand, there are certain jobs where experience matters more than anything else. For example, age is not a barrier for teaching. Because of this reason, teachers should be allowed to work as long as they want. Nurses and other health care providers should also be allowed to work if they can. To conclude, a standard retirement age for all workers is not a wise idea and people working in industries that demand higher levels of physical and mental fitness should be given early retirement. In my opinion, before setting the retirement age for various industries, authorities should consider the specific nature of the job and the hazards posed by it.
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People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debate what the appropriate
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retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, having a standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all professionals is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in industries that demand higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of endurance and agility should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
retirement.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of a standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all professionals is
certainly
flawed. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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jobs
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
requirements.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in military and police department need higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of physical fitness and mental agility. Since fitness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
decrease with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, they need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. Pilots, drivers and motormen should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
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early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the demands of their
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job
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay focused for hours on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
. Since attention spans tend to decrease as
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, they cannot be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work into their
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "60s".
60’s
.
Likewise
,
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the construction and mining sectors
also
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. These
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jobs
pose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
health hazards and as such
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people
performing them should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
retirement.

On the other hand
, there are certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
where experience matters more than anything else.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is not a barrier for teaching.
Because of this
reason, teachers should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work as long as they want. Nurses and other health care providers should
also
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work if they can.

To conclude
, a standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all workers is not a wise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in industries that demand higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of physical and mental fitness should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
setting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for various industries, authorities should consider the specific nature of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and the hazards posed by it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children need to study in an environment where they have to compete with each other. Others, however, believe that teamwork is more important. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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