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Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. v. 2
Regarding whether or not children should watch TV, people have polarized opinions. In my view, moderate usage of TV is beneficial for them, but extreme use may be harmful. There are several reasons why it could argue that TV programs have positive impacts on kids. The main benefit is that it can help them to expand their horizons. For example, by watching discovery channels, young people are able to get a better understanding of the planet, including nature and wildlife. Another positive effect is that some programs aim to develop their language skills. By watching TV, they could expand their vocabulary as well as improve their listening skills. Finally, news programs are also an effective way for students to gain information around the world. In spite of the above positive effects, I support the idea that children should not spend too much time on TV. If screen time become the main part of their life, then children, especially students, have less time for their academic study. This means that excessive usage of TV might lead to dissatisfied grades in school. In addition, compared with outdoor sports, this entertainment might cause damage to their health. It is no doubt that we should lead an active lifestyle instead of a sedentary lifestyle, which stems from heavy dependence on TV. In conclusion, although there are numerous benefits when children watch TV, I believe their screen time should be controlled.
Regarding
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have polarized opinions. In my view, moderate usage of TV is beneficial for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
extreme
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
may be harmful.

There are several reasons why it could argue that TV programs have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on kids. The main benefit is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to expand their horizons.
For example
, by watching discovery channels, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better understanding of the planet, including nature and wildlife. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
programs aim to develop their language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. By watching TV, they could expand their vocabulary
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their listening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Finally
, news programs are
also
an effective way for students to gain information around the world.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the above
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on TV. If screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
become the main part of their life, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
students, have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their academic study. This means that excessive usage of TV might lead to dissatisfied grades in school.
In addition
, compared with outdoor sports, this entertainment might cause damage to their health. It is no doubt that we should lead an active lifestyle
instead
of a sedentary lifestyle, which stems from heavy dependence on TV.

In conclusion
, although there are numerous benefits when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV, I believe their screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be controlled
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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