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Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. v. 1
Regarding whether or not children should watch television, people have polarized opinions. In my view, moderate usage is beneficial for them, but extreme usage may be harmful. There are several reasons why it could argue that these programs have positive impacts on kids. The main benefit is that it can help them to expand their horizons. For example, by watching discovery channels, young people are able to get a better understanding of our planet, including nature and wildlife. Another positive effect is that some educational programs aim to develop their language skills. By watching these channels, they could expand vocabulary as well as improve their listening skills. Finally, news sections are also an effective way for students to gain real-time information around the world. In spite of the above positive effects, I support the idea that children should not spend too much time on this set. If screen time become the main part of their life, then children, especially students, have less time for their academic study. This means that excessive usage of TV might lead to dissatisfied grades in school or even perhaps drop out of school. In addition, compared with outdoor sports, this entertainment might cause damage to their healths. It is no doubt that we should lead an active lifestyle instead of a sedentary lifestyle, which is a damaged result of televisions. In conclusion, although children can benefit from some programs on televisions, I believe their screen time should be controlled by parents or teachers.
Regarding
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have polarized opinions. In my view, moderate usage is beneficial for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
extreme usage may be harmful.

There are several reasons why it could argue that these programs have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on kids. The main benefit is that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to expand their horizons.
For example
, by watching discovery channels, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better understanding of our planet, including nature and wildlife. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
educational programs aim to develop their language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. By watching these channels, they could expand vocabulary
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their listening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Finally
, news sections are
also
an effective way for students to gain real-time information around the world.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the above
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on this set. If screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
become the main part of their life, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
students, have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their academic study. This means that excessive usage of TV might lead to dissatisfied grades in school or even perhaps drop out of school.
In addition
, compared with outdoor sports, this entertainment might cause damage to their
Possible spelling mistake found.
healths
. It is no doubt that we should lead an active lifestyle
instead
of a sedentary lifestyle, which is a damaged result of televisions.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can benefit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
programs on televisions, I believe their screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be controlled
by parents or teachers.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that children benefit from the TV and they should spend much time on it, but others support that children should not watch TV. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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