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Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. v.2

Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. v. 2
Nowadays, many donation corporations and humanitarian organizations consider their own policy to assist their own nation or the poor living in other countries. Some individuals believe that these organisations must only pay attention to deprived areas inside of their country; however, others, included myself, believe that they are responsible for and should help all humans no matter where they live. On the one hand, those who believe that all types of help must go for their own residents have their own reasons. One is that their citizens pay tax. To assist low-income residents, charity sectors are better to help the donated money, paid by their own people, to native residents than the foreigners because their people pay tax and they have priority to other nations. Another reason behind it is that this can positively affect the rate of crime. The more the poor are supported financially, the less they commit crimes. They have less motivation to provide their essential needs in inappropriate ways, and citizens will have a safer living condition. In this case, as local charities considered a remarkable budget for shanty areas in Tehran, the rate of armed robbery declined far considerably, according to a local report published in a local magazine. On the other hand, I personally believe that these organisations should aid all humans living in other countries similarly. The first convincing reason is that we are all human beings. Clearly, humans live in one Earth and all are creatures of God; therefore, help should not be targeted to specific community or society. For example, as Ebola virus, a dreadful virus which propagated in Africa in 2014, threatened many poor Africans, all organisations paid thousands of dollars for this problem; as a result, this perilous disease was controlled during less than six months. Had not they been received this international assistance, more other humans would have died. In addition, by helping other citizens, United Nations will be backed up more. Obviously, every year, this sector spends millions of dollars on needy living all over the world. In particular, paying money for children who are suffering from malnourishment needs huge funds, which is paid by UNICEF, while if rich governments help poor nations, this organisation will be less under financial pressure. In conclusion, although some may say that donation system must only support their poor dwellers, I think other nations should receive assistance because all humans are creatures of God and have equal rights to receive money, and this method can reduce the financial pressure of international organisations.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
donation corporations and humanitarian organizations consider their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
policy to assist their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that these
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pay attention to deprived areas
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
their country;
however
, others, included myself,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that they are responsible for and should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
no matter where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

On the one hand, those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
go for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
residents have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons. One is that their citizens pay tax. To assist low-income residents, charity sectors are better to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the donated money, paid by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, to native residents than the foreigners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pay
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tax and
they have priority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. Another reason behind it is that this can
positively
affect the rate of crime. The more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
are supported
financially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
they commit crimes. They have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
motivation to provide their essential needs in inappropriate ways, and citizens will have a safer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
condition.
In this case
, as local charities considered a remarkable budget for shanty areas in Tehran, the rate of armed robbery declined far
considerably
, according to a local report published in a local magazine.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that these
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
should aid all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries
similarly
. The
first
convincing reason is that we are all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings.
Clearly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in one Earth and all are creatures of God;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
should not
be targeted
to specific community or society.
For example
, as Ebola virus, a dreadful virus which propagated in Africa in 2014, threatened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
Africans, all
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
paid thousands of dollars for this problem;
as a result
, this perilous disease
was controlled
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
than six months. Had not they
been received
this international assistance, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
.
In addition
, by helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
citizens, United
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Nations
will
be backed
up more.
Obviously
, every year, this sector spends millions of dollars on needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
all over the world.
In particular
, paying money for children who are suffering from malnourishment needs huge funds, which
is paid
by UNICEF, while if rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, this
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisation
will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
under financial pressure.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may say that donation system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
dwellers, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should receive assistance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
are creatures of God and have equal rights to receive money, and this method can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the financial pressure of international
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
421 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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