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We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v.2

We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v. 2
From now on we do not have to have animals held in zoos, so zoos ought to be closed. In my opinion, I do not agree that zoos should be closed. Firs of all, many animals are in danger of extinction. For instance, according to the CNN news, which I have recently read on a website, ıf hunting elephants do not decrease, elephants can be extinct in fifty years period. Therefore, we should elephants keep in zoos to ensure reproduction of them. Second, many people grow up in the city, and live in town whole they life, so they could not see any wild animals or animals that live in a specific area, but if your town has a zoo, you can meet them in there. for example, when ı travelled to Gaziantep, which city is in the south-east of Turkey, I visited a zoo. ı saw a lot of animals. For the first time in my life is observed bears, elephants, lions, tigers and many wild animals that they do not live in Turkey. İf the zoo did not exist, maybe ı could not see any of them whole my life. On the other hand, some of the countries have zoos that are in bad condition. Many animals are suffering from starvation in there. Some of them have died because of it. If a country could not afford zoo's expenditure, it should close the zoo since any of reason is not more significant than animals' life. In conclusion, in my opinion, zoos should not be closed. It is useful for animals future. Moreover, it is beneficial to children for learning animals and animals life. I would argue that we need to have zoos, especially for animals future.
From
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
on we do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
held in zoos,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
zoos ought to
be closed
. In my opinion, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that zoos should
be closed
.

Firs of all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of extinction.
For instance
, according to the CNN news, which I have recently read on a website,
Possible spelling mistake found.
ıf
hunting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elephants
do not decrease,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elephants
can be extinct in fifty years period.
Therefore
, we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elephants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in zoos to ensure reproduction of them.

Second,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
grow up in the city, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in town whole
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
any wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a specific area,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if your town has a zoo, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
them in there.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, when ı travelled to Gaziantep, which city is in the south-east of Turkey, I visited a zoo.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
ı
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. For the
first
time in my life
is observed
bears,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elephants
, lions, tigers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in Turkey.
Possible spelling mistake found.
İf
the zoo did not exist, maybe ı could not s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ee
any of them whole my life.

O
n the other hand,
s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
ome
of the countries have zoos that are in b
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ad
condition. M
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are suffering from starvation in there. S
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
ome
of them have d
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ied
b
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
ecause
of it. If a country could not afford zoo's expenditure, it should close the zoo since any of reason is not more significant than animals' life.

I
n conclusion,
in my opinion, zoos should not
be closed
. It is useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
future. M
oreover,
it is beneficial to children for learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
life. I would argue that we need to have zoos, e
specially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
future.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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