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We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v.1

We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v. 1
It is widely seen today that the government is diverting a lot of funds towards development and maintenance of zoos. Although some feel that captivating animals in a zoo are not an ideal notion, others argue that they can best be looked after in a zoo. There is no denying to the fact that animals lose their freedom when they are kept in zoos. Also, they are exposed to the artificial way of living and are deprived of their natural habitat. To exemplify, they are fed only at a particular time by their trainers and cannot fetch for food when they are hungry. Moreover, they are mostly disturbed by the advent of numerous spectators who visit the zoo almost every day. Nevertheless, animals are safe when kept in a zoo. These beasts can be saved from the effect of extinction. For instance, the Bengal tigers are increasing in numbers every passing year which otherwise was on the verge of extinction on account of hunting and ill health. The forest department is playing pivotal roles for their care and protection. Also, the rapid industrialisation has led to the destruction of forests depriving these creatures of their natural homes. Therefore huge efforts are being made for the creation of a natural environment which best suits these creatures hence not disturbing their natural life. Furthermore, there is a continuous check on their health and hygiene which eventually gifts them a long life. In conclusion, I would prefer animals being kept in a zoo on account of their safety and increased life expectancy.
It is
widely
seen
today
that the
government
is diverting
a lot of
funds towards development and maintenance of zoos. Although
some
feel that captivating
animals
in a zoo are not an ideal notion, others argue that they can best
be looked
after in a zoo.

There is no denying to the fact that
animals
lose their freedom when they are
kept
in zoos.
Also
, they
are exposed
to the artificial way of living and
are deprived
of their
natural
habitat. To exemplify, they
are fed
only
at a particular time by their trainers and cannot fetch for food when they are hungry.
Moreover
, they are
mostly
disturbed by the advent of numerous spectators who visit the zoo almost every day.

Nevertheless
,
animals
are safe when
kept
in a zoo. These beasts can
be saved
from the effect of extinction.
For instance
, the Bengal tigers are increasing in numbers every passing year which
otherwise
was on the verge of extinction on account of hunting and ill health. The forest department is playing pivotal roles for their care and protection.
Also
, the rapid
industrialisation
has led to the destruction of forests depriving these creatures of their
natural
homes.
Therefore
huge efforts are
being made
for the creation of a
natural
environment which best suits these creatures
hence
not disturbing their
natural
life.
Furthermore
, there is a continuous
check
on their health and hygiene which
eventually
gifts them a long life.

In conclusion
, I would prefer
animals
being
kept
in a zoo on account of their safety and increased life expectancy.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS essay We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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