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some people think that books should be stopped in school and that videos, films and computers should be used instead. to what extend do you agree? v.3

some people think that books should be stopped in school and that videos, films and computers should be used instead. v. 3
An increasing number of overweight people have put pressure on the health care system in an endeavour to handle the health problems involved. Some individuals argue that a better way to deal with this issue is add more physical education courses to the school syllabus. I completely agree with this opinion. This is because issues regarding overweight should deal with school. To begin with, there are many obese or overweight, which need to effective solution, so that school physical education has access to help such obese problems. What this means is that it contributes to many youngsters who are treating their overweight problems more systematic and scientific physical education. In Germany, for instance, it becomes effective and successfully implemented in harmony with school physical training, elite athletes, such as football or golf, and daily sports. Moreover, physical training at school is essential aware of physical training, and it has appropriate services and pathways of care for the treatment of obesity through schooling service. In addition, having more sports training for young people in schooling will promote to sharing good health habits instead of unhealthy habits their parents. To put it another way, children who sportier could have an effect on their parents, and it might care more about family health. According to researchers and theorists who obesity studies, it will help significantly growing children that systematic physical education in institute system rather ordinary sports or non-systematic activities. Furthermore, not only children who favourite sport activities are healthier, but their parents have got a more effectively good condition of their children. In conclusion, physical schooling has an effect on children’s health, and it will be essential solving for the obesity problems caused by a growing overweight population.
An increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have put pressure on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to handle the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
involved.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals argue that a better way to deal with this issue is
Consider using a past participle here: "added".
add
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
courses to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
issues regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
should deal with school.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obese or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
, which need to effective solution,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has access to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
such obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. What this means is that it contributes to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are treating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
more systematic and scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In Germany,
for instance
, it becomes effective and
successfully
implemented in harmony with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
, elite athletes, such as football or golf, and daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is essential aware of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
, and it has appropriate services and pathways of care for the treatment of obesity through schooling service.

In addition
, having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in schooling will promote to sharing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
habits
instead
of unhealthy habits their parents. To put it another way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
sportier could have an effect on their parents, and it might care more about family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. According to researchers and theorists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
obesity studies, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
significantly
growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that systematic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in institute system
rather
ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or non-systematic activities.
Furthermore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a favourite".
who favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities are healthier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their parents have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a more
effectively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition of their children.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
schooling has an effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, and it will be essential solving for the obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
caused by a growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
population.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think that books should be stopped in school and that videos, films and computers should be used instead. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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