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THE CHART BELOW SHOWS THE ACTUAL AND ESTIMATED NUMBER OF VISITORS TO A NEW ART GALLERY FROM ITS OPENING DATE IN 1990 UP TO AND INCLUDING 2001 iT ALSO INDICATES THREE EVENTS IN THE GALLERY S LIFE BELOW THE CHART THERE ARE TWO PIE CHARTS WHICH SHOW THE SATI v.1

THE CHART BELOW SHOWS THE ACTUAL AND ESTIMATED NUMBER OF VISITORS TO A NEW ART GALLERY FROM ITS OPENING DATE IN 1990 UP TO AND INCLUDING 2001 iT ALSO INDICATES THREE EVENTS IN THE GALLERY S LIFE BELOW THE CHART THERE ARE TWO PIE CHARTS WHICH SHOW THE SATI v. 1
The necessity of nowadays’ rushing world is being busy with job both parents. Some of the people claim that additional income can be beneficial for children while others say that parents absence is highly lacking of support. This essay will first discuss the importance of parents on educating children. It is true that supporting the family financially is important. Fathers are the main supporter of the family. But in modern life mothers are likely to work somewhere in order to earn and help to their husband. With the help of income which bring both parents can increase their budget additionally. It creates some places like buying a new house, car, they can redecorate and furnished their house with expensive, having-quality and comfortable ones or visit sightseeing of the world, skyscraper, historical and spiritual places. On the other hand, having a job both parents will be fenced. By saying that, they cannot pay more attention to their children and it would hurt them. Money is important, however there is another more important thing in the world. That is our family, our children. Children are our future. We must pay more our attention to our children in order to educate well them, spiritually and for their future life rich, without problems. In conclusion, we have to realise that what is more essential. Most mothers have to be busy with how to educate young generation. Money is males’ responsibility. That is why not only mothers, but also fathers must be attentive to their attitude.
The necessity of nowadays’ rushing world is being busy with job both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that additional income can be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
absence is
highly
lacking of support. This essay will
first
discuss the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
on educating children.

It is true that supporting the family
financially
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Fathers are the main supporter of the family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in modern life mothers are likely to work somewhere in order to earn and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to their husband. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of income which bring both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can increase their budget
additionally
. It creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places like buying a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, car, they can redecorate and furnished their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
with expensive, having-quality and comfortable ones or visit sightseeing of the world, skyscraper, historical and spiritual places.

On the other hand
, having a job both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
be fenced
. By saying that, they cannot pay more attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it would hurt them. Money is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
however
there is another more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing in the world.
That is
our family, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are our future. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay more our attention to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to educate well them,
spiritually
and for their future life rich, without problems.

In conclusion
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that
what is more
essential. Most mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be busy with how to educate young generation. Money is males’ responsibility.
That is
why not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mothers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
fathers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be attentive to their attitude.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay THE CHART BELOW SHOWS THE ACTUAL AND ESTIMATED NUMBER OF VISITORS TO A NEW ART GALLERY FROM ITS OPENING DATE IN 1990 UP TO AND INCLUDING 2001 iT ALSO INDICATES THREE EVENTS IN THE GALLERY S LIFE BELOW THE CHART THERE ARE TWO PIE CHARTS WHICH SHOW THE SATI v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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