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Countries are often very keen to hold a major sporting event such as The Football World Cup or The Olympic Games. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of holding an important international sporting competition. v.1

Countries are often very keen to hold a major sporting event such as The Football World Cup or The Olympic Games. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of holding an important international sporting competition. v. 1
The government face difficult problems in order to increase peoples health care system due to the increasing amount of obese citizens. It is considered by some that introducing and encouraging students to participate in physical school activities are the key to solve the growing number of population on obesity. In my opinion, I completely agree with this statement about how well educated students in physical education could prevent obesity in the future. First of all, there are a lot of people who highly motivated into sports, but still are unable to play those sports. In other words, these people are not taught properly back when they were still in school. For example, a lot of my colleagues feel so much enthusiasm in badminton. However, around 90 percent of those friends of mine are unable to play badminton. Consequently, they start losing the motivation to play and choose to just enjoy watching the games on TV. Thus, due to the lack of ability to play sports, people will start losing motivation and begin to gain a lot of weight for not doing any sports at all. Secondly, these days, school curriculum only focuses on learning in class lessons, such as math, science, biology, etc. , and reduce the amount of time for outside activities. As a result, students will feel exhausted because of the long duration in a class study process and eventually feel discouraged to play outside. They rather choose to rest at home than doing outdoor activities. That's why, government need to adjust some rules about school curriculum for students to balance the outdoor and indoor activity. In conclusion, physical education lessons are critical in reducing the growth of overweight people because it will not only enable highly enthusiastic people to play but also improving youngsters physical body.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
face difficult problems in order to increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
health care system due to the increasing amount of obese citizens. It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that introducing and encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities are the key to solve the growing number of population on obesity. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement about how
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
obesity in the future.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
highly
motivated into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
are unable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In other words
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not taught
properly
back when they were
still
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
my colleagues feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much enthusiasm in badminton.
However
, around 90 percent of those friends of mine are unable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
badminton.
Consequently
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
losing the motivation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
and choose to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
enjoy watching the games on TV.
Thus
, due to the lack of ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
losing motivation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
weight for not doing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at all.

Secondly
, these days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focuses on learning in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
lessons, such as math, science, biology, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of time for outside activities.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will feel exhausted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the long duration in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
study process and
eventually
feel discouraged to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outside. They
rather
choose to rest at home than doing outdoor activities. That's why,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
need to adjust
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to balance the outdoor and indoor activity.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education lessons are critical in reducing the growth of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enable
highly
enthusiastic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
improving youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
body.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Countries are often very keen to hold a major sporting event such as The Football World Cup or The Olympic Games. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of holding an important international sporting competition. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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