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Some people think that as long as these professional sportsmen and sportswomen are good players, their behaviour on and off playing fields are not important. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that as long as these professional sportsmen and sportswomen are good players, their behaviour on and off playing fields are not important. v. 1
Famous athletes who are talented in their areas have a strong influence on the public especially the younger generation. Therefore, I disagree with the idea that the behaviour of sports players is not important and I believe that they should be self-disciplined both in and outside the game. In my opinion, behaving properly on the playground is of great importance to sport players’ safety. If sportsmen or sportswomen break the rules during games, they might hurt their competitors, team members and themselves. Many great players have to end their professional career due to the injuries and illnesses caused by illegal physical confrontation, which often happens to skilled athletes in soccer and basketball games. For example, Marco Van Basten, who won multiple honours in his twenties had no choice but to retire from football at the age of 31 because of long suffering from old wounds. Such early retirement of players is undoubtedly a pity to their clubs, fans and even their countries. As well as on the field, I believe that what sports players do off the playground is also important. Many excellent players are heavily exposed since they have numerous fans all over the world, which means that they can have a huge influence on the public. This is particularly true for those young people who tend to copy their idols’ lifestyle that is reported on the Internet. As a result, the misbehaviour of sportsmen and sportswomen, like excessive drinking, traffic violation, drug abuse, and domestic violence, would not only adversely affect the players’ reputation but also their young fans’ values. In conclusion, I disagree that there is no need to care about professional athletes’ behaviour since misbehaviour on the field or in the daily life may lead to safety issues for themselves and have a negative influence on the public.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
athletes who
are talented
in their areas have a strong influence on the public
especially
the younger generation.
Therefore
, I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and I believe that they should be self-disciplined both in and outside the game.

In my opinion, behaving
properly
on the playground is of great importance to sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
safety. If sportsmen or sportswomen break the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
during games, they might hurt their competitors, team members and themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their professional career due to the injuries and illnesses caused by illegal physical confrontation, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
happens to skilled athletes in soccer and basketball games.
For example
, Marco Van
Possible spelling mistake found.
Basten
, who won multiple
Possible spelling mistake. 'honours' is British English.
honours
in his twenties had no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to retire from football at the age of 31
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
long suffering
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
wounds. Such early retirement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
is
undoubtedly
a pity to their clubs, fans and even their countries.

As well
as on the field, I believe that what sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
do off the playground is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are
heavily
exposed since they have numerous fans all over the world, which means that they can have a huge influence on the public. This is
particularly
true for those young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who tend to copy their idols’ lifestyle that
is reported
on the Internet.
As a result
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
of sportsmen and sportswomen, like excessive drinking, traffic violation, drug abuse, and domestic violence, would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
adversely
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
reputation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their young fans’ values.

In conclusion
, I disagree that there is no need to care about professional athletes’
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
since
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
on the field or in the daily life may lead to safety issues for themselves and have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on the public.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that as long as these professional sportsmen and sportswomen are good players, their behaviour on and off playing fields are not important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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