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Some people think that animals should be kept in man made cells. What are the disadvantages of keeping animals in zoos. v.1

Some people think that animals should be kept in man made cells. What are the disadvantages of keeping animals in zoos. v. 1
The debate on whether children should have a total and final say on how they choose to behave or kept in check is a tricky one. While some think leaving them to do as they like is the best, others think otherwise. I totally believe that the way a child behave should be controlled by their parents and respective teachers. This will help a child make better decisions, especially in choosing a career. It will also to a large extent have a positive impact on the society as a whole. First and foremost, the most important decision in one's life is choosing a career path. It forms the basis of one's life in general. For instance, a medical doctor will approach issues by diagnosing them. While an engineer might approach the same issue in a different way. Since parents have seen more of life's history and Evolution of lifestyle, they are in a position to make better decisions for their kids because they can predict what best might suit their offerings in facing the challenges that is ahead of them in life. A guidance from someone knowledgeable in the chosen career is also important. Another reason why a young fellow should should not be allowed to behave as he/she seems okay is due to the effect it might have on the society. A popular example can be seen from the western culture. Children are allowed full autonomy, which has led to increased crime rate. Because the society cannot afford another generation of unguided youths, their behaviour needs monitoring from the onset. In conclusion, I strongly believe control needs to be placed on the way a child behaves, as this will on the long run be better for the child and the society as a whole.
The debate on whether children should have a total and final say on how they choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behave
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
is a tricky one. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
leaving them to do as they like is the best, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
otherwise
. I
totally
believe that the way a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behave
should
be controlled
by their parents and respective teachers. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better decisions,
especially
in choosing a career. It will
also
to a large extent have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole.

First
and foremost, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decision in one's life is choosing a career path. It forms the basis of one's life
in general
.
For instance
, a medical doctor will approach issues by diagnosing them.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
an engineer might approach the same issue in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way. Since parents have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
more of life's history and Evolution of lifestyle, they are in a position to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better decisions for their kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can predict
A determiner is probably missing here: "what the best".
what best
might suit their offerings in facing the challenges
that is
ahead of them in life. A guidance from someone knowledgeable in the chosen career is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Another reason why a young fellow
Possible typo: you repeated a word
should should
not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behave
as he/she seems okay is due to the effect it might have on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. A popular example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the western culture. Children are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
full autonomy, which has led to increased crime rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
cannot afford another generation of unguided youths, their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
needs monitoring from the onset.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe control needs to
be placed
on the way a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behaves
, as this will on the long run be better for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that animals should be kept in man made cells. What are the disadvantages of keeping animals in zoos. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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