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Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss v.1

Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss v. 1
Rearing children is not a simple task to do. People are divided into two groups with different views, one who presumes, parents should be vigilant towards their children's daily actions. However, another group reckon in their liberty. This essay will analyze both the views with my support that offsprings should only be monitored up to a certain age Indeed, the world out there might not be a beautiful place for every child, while, children are the most vulnerable part of the society to fall an easy prey; they are too young to comprehend the intentions of others. Therefore, parents should explicitly be alert about their little loved ones, until they attain the adequate maturity level. Besides this, the parents should meticulously keep an eye on children's online activities as well, since a myriad of misleading information and an unknown virtual world, sometimes could leave an adverse effect on their personalities. For instance, according to the international cybercrime team, around 3000 cases of child abuse and exploitation are reported each day from all around the world. On the contrary, freedom of making small decisions, until a certain age boosts their confidence and renders them to make the right life and career choices, when needed. Moreover, parents should teach their children how they can make the appropriate choices instead of doing this for them. For example, a survey was conducted in 2018 on 500 children aged from 8 to 16 by the University of Virginia. They had reported, surprisingly, 87% of the children had extraordinary confidence in their personalities and clarity about their career choices, which make minor decisions on an everyday basis. In conclusion, apparently, learning from their own experiences for children is better than knowledge imparted by parents. However, parents have to be adequately conscious to prevent their children from being victims of any crime.
Rearing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not a simple task to do.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are divided
into two groups with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views, one who presumes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be vigilant towards their children's daily actions.
However
, another group reckon in their liberty. This essay will analyze both the views with my support that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be monitored
up to a certain
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
age


Indeed
, the world out there might not be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
place for every child, while,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are the most vulnerable part of the society to fall an easy prey; they are too young to comprehend the intentions of others.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
explicitly
be alert about their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones, until they attain the adequate maturity level.
Besides
this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
meticulously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on children's online activities
as well
, since a myriad of misleading information and an unknown virtual world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
an adverse effect on their personalities.
For instance
, according to the international cybercrime team, around 3000 cases of child abuse and exploitation
are reported
each day from all around the world.

On the contrary
, freedom of making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
decisions, until a certain age boosts their confidence and renders them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the right life and career choices, when needed.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the appropriate choices
instead
of doing this for them.
For example
, a survey
was conducted
in 2018 on 500
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aged from 8 to 16 by the University of Virginia. They had reported,
surprisingly
, 87% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had extraordinary confidence in their personalities and clarity about their career choices, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
minor decisions on an everyday basis.

In conclusion
,
apparently
, learning from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experiences for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is better than knowledge imparted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
adequately
conscious to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from being victims of any crime.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people think parents should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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