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Some people think parent should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss. v.1

Some people think parent should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss. v. 1
In the modern world, many individuals are concerned about the children’s activities. In this regard, although there is an opinion that parents should not involve in the process of choosing the activity. However, others feel that they should be advised in this process. It is widely accepted that giving a freedom of choice can really motivate the children to be responsible for their choice and decision. In this reason, many parents are not willing to be involved in the process of choosing an activity, because they can mislead their children. A good illustration of this is gifted kids. There is no denying that they can become well-known scientists in the future. However, the advice of their parents can affect their choice. As a result, they can take up other activities, such as martial mixed arts or literature. On the other hand, there is an opinion that restricts dangerous activities or choosing them strictly can be beneficial for the children, because they can avoid certain unexpected situations, such as injury or diseases. These parents reckon that giving advice to the children is essential, because they are not able to find an appropriate activity, which is based on their natural abilities and capacities. As a result, due to lack of parental advice, children can abuse their abilities. For example, former boxers can commit crimes in order to run their livelihood. Consequently, this can be detrimental for the societies, because the crime rate is increased. In conclusion, although many individuals tend to think that parenting guidance can be beneficial for the children, because it can direct to the appropriate activities, others feel that there is should be a freedom in order to motivate the children to take responsibility for their actions.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
are concerned
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In this regard, although there is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not involve in the process of choosing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
However
, others feel that they should
be advised
in this process.

It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that giving
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "freedom".
a freedom
of choice can
really
motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be responsible for their choice and decision. In this reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not willing to
be involved
in the process of choosing an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can mislead their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this
is gifted
kids. There is no denying that they can become well-known scientists in the future.
However
, the advice of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can affect their choice.
As a result
, they can take up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as martial mixed arts or literature.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there is an opinion that restricts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
or choosing them
strictly
can be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can avoid certain unexpected situations, such as injury or diseases. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
reckon that giving advice to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is essential,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not able to find an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, which
is based
on their natural abilities and capacities.
As a result
, due to lack of parental advice,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can abuse their abilities.
For example
, former boxers can commit crimes in order to run their livelihood.
Consequently
, this can be detrimental for the societies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the crime rate
is increased
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that parenting guidance can be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can direct to the appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, others feel that there
Did you mean "it"?
is
should be
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "freedom".
a freedom
in order to motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take responsibility for their actions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people think parent should supervise their children’s activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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