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Some people think nowadays children have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think nowadays children have too much freedom. v. 1
People have different opinions on whether or not children have enough freedom. Some assert that children are doing what they want do compare to the past. However, I strongly believe that children don’t have freedom in terms of the time and the choice. First of all, in terms of time, children have so many things to do. Parents expect the high academic performance for their children. In order to get high scores, children should join to the lots of private education institutes and should do much homework. That is why some insist children are busier than adults. According to the research conducted by Seoul National University, the 30% of children had the lack of sleep problem, and 73% of children were studying in the private education institute. The percentage of both questions were higher than last year. As clearly seen from research, children don't have time to what they really want to do because they should spend so much time on study. On top of that, in terms of choice, some parents have huge expectation to their kids and the children tend to try to live up to their parent’s expectation. Parent made a schedule for their kid and children are just followed. There are not the choice of children and they rely on their parents. Even some parents decide the future of their children. In conclusion, in modern society, it is true that the competition becomes more fierce. That is why parents want to teach more and more for their children. However, I strongly believe it has negative impacts to children in the future. People should consider what is a better way for their children.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions on
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
freedom.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are doing what they
Probably a preposition is missing after 'want'.
want do
compare to the past.
However
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
don’t have freedom in terms of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and the choice.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things to do.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the high academic performance for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high scores,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
to the lots of private education institutes and should do much homework.
That is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are busier than adults. According to the research conducted by Seoul National University, the 30% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had the lack of sleep problem, and 73% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were studying in the private education institute. The percentage of both questions were higher than last year. As
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from research,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
don't have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to what they
really
want to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on study.

On top of that
, in terms of choice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have huge expectation to their kids and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
up to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
expectation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parent
made a schedule for their kid and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
followed. There are not the choice of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they rely on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
decide the future of their children.

In conclusion
, in modern society, it is true that the competition becomes more fierce.
That is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want to teach more and more for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, I
strongly
believe it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should consider what is a better way for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think nowadays children have too much freedom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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