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Some people think it is not necessary for adults to receive education in class. Self-study is a good way for them to study more effectively. v.2

Some people think it is not necessary for adults to receive education in class. Self-study is a good way for them to study more effectively. v. 2
Education is a continuous process and thrust for knowledge is everlasting. Adult education is a controversial issue and some groups of thoughts argue that adults can learn things by themselves and the common mentoring technique in the school is unnecessary for them. Even though classroom learning has its own advantages, I believe the self-study is more beneficial for adults. Obviously, ‘internal motivation and hard working’ is the core in all success stories. Therefore a highly motivated person can learn alone by utilising the advanced technologies. For illustration, online education is a newer trend and even someone working can attend certification course through the Internet. In addition, most of the companies are offering continuing education as part of their working schedules. So workers can improve their knowledge by this without attending regular classroom courses. Furthermore, for an adult, it is cumbersome to get back to a student life in most of the cases. The advancement in technology has made it possible to learn from home and adults do not need teachers to look after their behaviours or discipline them to study. It is a well-known fact that self-learning is the best learning and this is quite applicable for grown up people.   So supporters of this view believe that for grown up people classroom learning is unnecessary and a waste of time. On the other hand, some people believe that education is meaningful only by regular classroom mentoring. Self-motivation is sometimes ineffective and necessitates the teachers for evaluating and guiding them. Moreover, they believe that adult life is different from children because of the internal as well as the external factors affecting their learning process. For instance, adult life is complicated with a lot of responsibilities and tensions. Therefore continuous motivation by an external mentor is inevitable. Online education programs and other continuing career development programs often lack this opportunity and hence this group of people believes that classroom education is the best option for adults. Put everything into consideration both these methods have their own advantages. However, I think that a highly motivated individual can gain knowledge by self-learning and for such adults, self-learning is a far better choice than attending formal educational institutes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is a continuous process and thrust for knowledge is everlasting. Adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a controversial issue and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups of thoughts argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
can learn things by themselves and the common mentoring technique in the school is unnecessary for them.
Even though
classroom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
the self-study is more beneficial for adults.

Obviously
, ‘internal motivation and
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
’ is the core in all success stories.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
a
highly
motivated person can learn alone by
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
the advanced technologies. For illustration, online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a newer trend and even someone
With the word 'someone' in a subjunctive clause, use the base form of a verb: "work".
working
can attend certification course through the Internet.
In addition
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are offering continuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
as part of their working schedules.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
workers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge by this without attending regular classroom courses.
Furthermore
, for an adult, it is cumbersome to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back to a student life in most of the cases. The advancement in technology has made it possible to learn from home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
do not need teachers to look after their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
or discipline them to study.
It is a well-known fact that
self-learning is the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and this is quite applicable for grown up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
supporters of this view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that for grown up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
classroom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
is unnecessary and a waste of time.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is meaningful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by regular classroom mentoring. Self-motivation is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
ineffective and necessitates the teachers for evaluating and guiding them.
Moreover
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that adult life is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the internal
as well
as the external factors affecting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
process.
For instance
, adult life
is complicated
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
responsibilities and tensions.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
continuous motivation by an external mentor is inevitable. Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
programs and other continuing career development programs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lack this opportunity and
hence
this group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believes
that classroom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is the best option for adults.

Put everything into consideration both these methods have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a
highly
motivated individual can gain knowledge by self-learning and for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, self-learning is a far better choice than attending formal educational institutes.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is not necessary for adults to receive education in class. Self-study is a good way for them to study more effectively. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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