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Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 2
Some people opine that spending hours in enhancing the knowledge to have an outstanding path for the future are more significant, while others believe that being with friends and family is important. Whilst a discussion of both these views is worthwhile, I am a supporter of the former view. On the one hand, people spend time to improve their skills will aid them to take care of their family. In other words, when they are educated and performing their task without any issues will get better payment at their work. Furthermore, it will make them to develop their ability to earn more and provide good education for their children as well as care for their elders. For example, people working in the software industry will work hard for better remuneration to fulfil their family needs. In my opinion, I agree that spending, quality of time in nourishing their talent will enormously help them financially to support their family. On the other hand, it is vital to spend days with peers and kins will help in difficult situations. That is to say that they are the energy booster for the people who are unable to handle more stress. In addition, they will guide right path to plan for a successful career. For instance, in India most of the people in the countryside, spend more time with their neighbours and relatives to rejuvenate their body and mind. However, I do not support this notion as without the populace's interest in developing their career by their own will provide inverse effect. In conclusion, although spending time with friends and family members will aid them in critical situations, I think that it has to be utilised by improving their talent for their future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that spending hours in enhancing the knowledge to have an outstanding path for the future are more significant, while others believe that being with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Whilst a discussion of both these views is worthwhile, I am a supporter of the former view.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will aid them to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In other words
, when they
are educated
and performing their task without any issues will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better payment at their work.
Furthermore
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to develop their ability to earn more and provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education for their children
as well
as care for their elders.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in the software industry will work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for better remuneration to fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that spending, quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in nourishing their talent will
enormously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
financially
to support their family.

On the other hand
, it is vital to spend days with peers and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "kin", the plural form of the noun 'kin'?
kins
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in difficult situations.
That is
to say that they are the energy booster for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are unable to handle more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
In addition
, they will guide right path to plan for a successful career.
For instance
, in India most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the countryside, spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
and relatives to rejuvenate their body and mind.
However
, I do not support this notion as without the populace's interest in developing their career by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
will provide inverse effect.

In conclusion
, although spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members will aid them in critical situations, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
by improving their talent for their future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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