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Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.1

Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family 1
It is widely believed that a man is nothing but a reflection of his parents. Further, some people are of the opinion that a person's wellbeing and success are directly associated with his upbringing. I agree with this view, because, in my humble opinion, successful man has successful habits and manners. Civil behaviour and healthy habits can be best framed in a human's mind when it is young. Civil obedience and successful habits which can be implemented to lead a prosperous life need years of efforts and practice. This can be best taught to a child when his mind is young. A nascent brain is like clay, it can be moulded easily. As it ages, it becomes more like concrete - hard and rigid. To illustrate this, a study was done by a group of researchers at Columbia University. They taught a simple yet golden rule of "early to bed and early to rise" to a bunch of 10 juveniles and 10 adults. While, juveniles developed this in less than 15 days, adults, on the other hand, adults took more than a few months to develop this habit. In my view, this illustrates well that best practices for leading a happy and prosperous life can be imbibed in a person at a young age easily. Such sustainable exercise of healthy habits over a period of many years will lead to a glorious future of the child. Furthermore, it is observed that at a young age a child idolises his parents. He tries to copy everything that his parents do. A good example of this is language. A youngster learns his mother tongue without any strenuous efforts. On the other hand, to learn any other language, it takes several years of hard work on his part. Therefore, it can be easily said that a man's habit, good or bad, is best shaped by his parents. To conclude, in my view, a person's upbringing and, particularly, his time with his parents play a very critical role in shaping up his future.
It is
widely
believed that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a reflection of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Further
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that a person's
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
and success are
directly
associated with his upbringing. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in my humble opinion, successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
and manners. Civil
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
framed in a human's mind when it is young.

Civil obedience and successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
which can
be implemented
to lead a prosperous life need years of efforts and practice. This can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
taught to a child when his mind is young. A nascent brain is like clay, it can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
moulded
easily
. As it ages, it becomes more like concrete
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and rigid. To illustrate this, a study
was done
by a group of researchers at Columbia University. They taught a simple
yet
golden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
early to bed and early to rise
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
to a bunch of 10 juveniles and 10 adults. While, juveniles developed this in less than 15 days, adults,
on the other hand
, adults took more than a few months to develop this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
. In my view, this illustrates well that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
practices for leading a happy and prosperous life can
be imbibed
in a person at a young age
easily
. Such sustainable exercise of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
over a period of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years will lead to a glorious future of the child.

Furthermore
, it
is observed
that at a young age a child
Possible spelling mistake. 'idolises' is British English.
idolises
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. He tries to copy everything that his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is language. A youngster learns his mother tongue without any strenuous efforts.
On the other hand
, to learn any other language, it takes several years of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work on his part.
Therefore
, it can be
easily
said that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habit
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
, is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
shaped by his parents.

To conclude
, in my view, a person's upbringing and,
particularly
, his time with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
critical role in shaping up his future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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